The Sacrifice

The Sacrifice

    We stand in a circle around the blazing fire. I wear a gossamer robe, which does little to protect me from the waves of heat from the flames, which beat against my breasts. There are twelve of us. We are guardians of the sacred fire. I have been groomed as a protector since I was a child. My responsibility is heavy.
    The sacred fire has burned for a thousand years, since before our language was written, when legends were recounted around the campfire in the evening. It is told that the fire came from heaven. Centuries ago, the White Goddess descended from the sky carrying a torch. She bestowed upon our tribe the sacred flame with the admonition that as long as the fire was kept burning we would have her protection.
     We are a society ruled by women. Men have no economic or political power in our society. Only women can participate in our assemblies or hold office. Men are mainly breeding animals, much as cattle. We do breed with men. However, love between men and women is forbidden. Marriage
is reserved solely as a union between women.
    As protector of the fire, I am allowed to mate with a woman. However, I am not allowed to breed with men. This is the covenant we made with the White Goddess. For a guardian of the flame to be defiled by a man would end the protection of the Goddess. It is said that if this happens our village will be pillaged and the women raped and forced into slavery.
     As a child I was paired with Alana. She is beautiful, kind, and tender to me. She loves me dearly and has been true to me. Once in battle she saved my life. She pulled me from the burning wreckage of a building. She nursed me and gave me back my life. For that I am eternally grateful. But ever since I was young I was strongly attracted to men. My mother gently chastised me with words. I felt great shame at my unnatural attraction. I tried to be true.
     But then I met a young boy named Zach. He was a gangly boy, with a mop of raven black hair, and the cutest dimples. I fell madly in love with him at the age of thirteen. As a teenager we walked in the forest gathering mulberries. Once on a berry-picking trip, we waded in a stream splashing each other and laughing like little children. His tenderness disarmed me. I remembered what a shameful thing it was to mate with a male. But he was so sweet and affectionate that I lost all will power.
    We laid in a copse of pine needles with our faces warmed by sunlight. It was late spring, bees were busy pollinating flowers, and the world seemed freshly born from the womb of the White Goddess. We laid on our sides facing each other and he began tracing my lips with his finger. I laughed a little and he kissed me lightly on the lips. I felt burning in my loins.
    He slipped my tunic down from my shoulders and exposed my breasts. Then he kissed both my nipples which sent tingles through my body. I undid his shirt and his breast was bare. I kissed his breast and kissed down his chest to his stomach. I heard him sigh. It was like music to my ears.
    Slowly I undid his trousers. His face was angelic as I touched him. It was almost as though I could see his halo, his aura of love, as I softly touched him and aroused him. He slipped my tunic down my body and revealed my feminine curves. He ran his hand across my thighs and hips, with a feather light touch. He whispered, “I love you.” I laughed.
    How silly the idea of love between a man and a woman seemed to me. But I loved him too. I did not speak it out of shame. I laid on my stomach and slowly he kissed my back and ran his tongue down my spine. Soon my hunger became an inferno. No longer could I hold back. My body was so sensitive.  Every time he touched me in a new place I felt shivers of pleasure. My body hummed with desire and I purred like a cat. At that moment I surrendered to him.
    I laid on my back, and he made love to me. I felt like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. I felt as though I soared in the clouds. Finally I reached the point of no return, and felt my body shake, as though an earthquake passed through me.
     Afterward we slept in the forest with my head laying on his chest. Those were such dear memories. We had many more occasions like this. But I knew that I was to be Alana’s bride. I accepted my fate. But somehow, I dreamed he and I might be together again. As I got older I abandoned my fantasy and embraced my life with Alana and as a guardian of the sacred fire.
     But at long last we were discovered. I got pregnant by Zach. Alana noticed that my periods had stopped. She saw me kiss Zach while I gathered water at the well. Zach would pay the price of the crime, for women were not held accountable in these matters.
    Here I stand with my sisters. My worst nightmare unfolds. The night waxes lunar madness. Ankh necklaces are laced around our necks. The ancient drumbeat gathers us females around the sacred fire. I feel the cotton caress of my robe on my bare skin. I am bathed in wet heat. I  long to embrace my beloved Zach.
    My heart trembles as I watch Zach being led to the post. I see the scars from the whippings he has received. His back and buttocks are covered in bright crimson welts. My legs tremble as I watch him being tied to the post. I know what was in store for him. The Dark Guardian will sever his manhood from him. He will be a eunuch. After that he will serve as an attendant to the queen’s concubines. Eunuchs make the best attendants,
since they can’t impregnate the queen’s consorts.
     I watch as the Dark Guardian stands before him, in her long flowing black robe, with her kinky raven hair falling down her shoulders in waves. She looks like an angel of death. Her eyes seem to glow like coals in the firelight. She is so beautiful, I think, but she is deadly like a poisonous snake. I am aghast as I watch her anoint his body with oil and rub it into his sex.
    I look into his frightened eyes and he meets my gaze. I mouth the words, “I love you.” He looks at me beseechingly, as though he is begging for deliverance. He and I both know that it is in my power to save him. He will be spared if I agree to accept exile from my tribe. But I have never known any life apart from my sisters.
    I remember tender moments when Alana massaged my tired shoulders after a strenuous sparing match with her. She gently applied ointment to my wounds when she scraped me with her knife. She taught me the most important lesson in life. Always be true to your deepest feelings. Never allow a passing fancy or mood to guide you. But if you feel something deep within your heart and it rings true follow this feeling. It will guide you out of the wilderness into the freedom of truth.
    As I hear the Dark Guardian begin her chant, I stifle sobs deep in my chest. She prays to the White Goddess, that this sacrifice of Zach’s manhood will propitiate her. I feel like screaming when I watch her unsheathe her dagger. I am repulsed by the thought that this beautiful man, whom I had shared such deep passion with, is about to be mutilated.
    Once I dreamed of being his wife and having his children. Though marriage between men and women is forbidden, I have heard about such unions from other tribes. I always wondered what it would be like to treat Zach as an equal. When I was little I was taught that men were animals.
    But when he makes love to me I feel as though struck by lightening. I remember how my thighs quiver with pleasure, as he brings me to a place I have never imagined a man could take me. He takes me beyond my fear into a realm of light, love, and peace. Now he is about to be maimed. The very manhood, which brings me such transcendent ecstasy, is about to be severed from his body and
thrown away like trash.
     The Dark Guardian screams with cat like howls. Her eyes glow with the fire of righteous indignation. Her howl sends waves of terror rippling through my body. I feel ripped apart. I know that as a guardian of the sacred fire, I am obligated to allow the ceremony to continue to its gruesome conclusion. However, I also know that if I choose, he will be spared.
    But I don’t know if we can survive outside of the village. I have heard horror stories about what happens to young women who stray outside of our territory. Hostile male ruled tribes surround us. I can’t imagine the world on the outside. Though I have heard tell of a place far across the mountains where men and women lived as equals; but the journey there would be perilous.
    However, I love Zach. I never thought I could love a man. This is the first time it has occurred to me to use the word love about my feelings for him. I know, at that moment, that I love him more than life itself. Deep in my soul, I feel overwhelmed by passion for him. I can no longer deny what my heart tells me.
    I watch as the Dark Guardian grasps his genitals
in her left hand and raises the dagger in her right hand. She begins to bring it down. I feel shock waves of terror, and shake, knowing the pain he will feel being damaged in such an intimate way. I feel blood pump through my heart, and my sex throbs, remembering the devastatingly delicious pleasure I feel when we make love.
    With lightening speed, I a scream rips from my vocal cords. The force of my voice amazes me. My scream seems to echo. I feel as though I am in a dream. Nothing happening seems real. I watch as the Dark Guardian withdraws the dagger and sheathes it.
    She releases his genitals and turns toward me. As she gazes into my eyes, I know I still have a chance to finish what I have begun. I can give her the ok to continue. But another voice speaks from my heart. I feel my lips open and my voice says softly, “Spare him.”
     She says, “Do not take lightly what you are saying. You know what this means.”
     I stand firmly and my trembling fades away. I say, “I know what will happen to us.”
   She replies, “Is it worth it, for a man?”       
     I say, “I have feelings I have never known with anyone else for him. I need him. I can’t explain why.”
     She says, “Do you need him more than Alana,
your family, and your sisters?”
    I say, “More than anything. I love him.” That
is the first time I have spoken those words out loud.
    She says, “Very well.” She turns to her attend-
ants and says, “Release him!”
    I feel a strange sort of freedom. The unreal feeling passes and everything comes back into focus. My heart leads me on a new and unknown path. My safe, orderly world is gone. I welcome the unknown. I want to be surprised. I watch, as Zach is untied from the post by the attendants.
     They lead him to me and I lead him to his tent. There I lay him on a blanket and begin applying ointment to his wounds. I notice he has been whipped on his genitals. I begin to reach toward them to apply the ointment. He covers them with his hands and I see a look of fear on his face. I know that it will take time for him to learn to trust
again.  He has been hurt so badly.
    He says, “It’s not hurt that bad.”
    I touch his cheek and say, “Darling, I have to do this. You could get infected.” He nods and I gently remove his hands. He whimpers in pain as I tenderly apply the healing salve to his groin. When
I am finished, I kiss him and whisper, “I love you.”
    He knows what price I have paid for his deliver-
ance. He looks up at me with a furrowed brow and says, “I won’t let you do this. It’s too great a price for you to pay.”
     I caress his forehead lightly and gently push the locks of hair from his eyes. I say, “Nothing you can say will change my decision. I made it freely. It is my choice.” We both know that as a man he has no power to challenge my decision. I pull a cover over him and say, “My decision is final.”
    He looks at me with his soft green eyes that speak to me with deep tenderness. Tears begin to appear which make him look so vulnerable. I wipe them away. I tell him, “Now go to sleep.”
    As he looks up at me I see deep gratitude in his face. His look communicates to me that deep in his soul he loves me more than his own life. In his eyes
I see the future.