deepundergroundpoetry.com
__an Pa_____ __nno_
Three guys I barely know are walking right in front of me accompanying me to the pier.
On the far left a guy that has a girlfriend but spent one hundred and thirty dollars on a hotel to mess around with a girl he hasn't known for more than two months.
In front of me an engaged nineteen year old &
on his right an eighteen year old kid with a kid of his own forever connected with a woman he doesn't love but pretended he did for a night.
For a minute I stare at the ground and realize the kind of people I am associating myself with.
The next minute I realize my heart has fallen to the floor.
I had the audacity to think that these people are
making bad decisions while I make the worst of them all.
I feel sorry for the cheating guy's girlfriend.
She has no idea he doesn't love her as much as he says he does because clearly he's breaking all the promises of love given to her.
I believe the guy and his young fiancé don't know what they are doing because love is hard to find and they probably don't even know what it is but are tangled in the idea of true love so they try to get a hand full of it and stuff it in their pockets while they still can.
I can't help but wonder how the kid with the eighteen year old boy as a father is going to grow up. The result of a night of "passion" will forever carry on in their lives because of a mistake they let slide by.
But then I realize as I am walking down the pier into the dark night. I am surrounded by water. By darkness and pure empty space. The night eats me alive as I am feeling my own heart break.
I am pretending to be in love with a man who did the same as the boy with a kid when he was that age. I am pretending to have something special with a married man with two daughters both from different women. I feel like his girlfriend that has some special meaning in his life. I feel like we are going to love each other forever but we all know that's not true.
Just like the guy on the left's love life... We will get distant from each other. Being part a game and not playing fairly tears you apart if you win. Like the guy in front of me he is going to stay married with the women he is officially with because that's the closest thing to love they have. & like the guy on the right.. he is forever connected with a woman he doesn't love but because of a stupid night.. the little child will always be a reminder.
But why do I think I am the worse of them all? Because I am part of all these fucked up things... But I don't matter.
I was just a factor.
But I see all the damage that has happened.
I was the spark in the flames in a wild fire and now all that is left are the ashes on the ground.
On the far left a guy that has a girlfriend but spent one hundred and thirty dollars on a hotel to mess around with a girl he hasn't known for more than two months.
In front of me an engaged nineteen year old &
on his right an eighteen year old kid with a kid of his own forever connected with a woman he doesn't love but pretended he did for a night.
For a minute I stare at the ground and realize the kind of people I am associating myself with.
The next minute I realize my heart has fallen to the floor.
I had the audacity to think that these people are
making bad decisions while I make the worst of them all.
I feel sorry for the cheating guy's girlfriend.
She has no idea he doesn't love her as much as he says he does because clearly he's breaking all the promises of love given to her.
I believe the guy and his young fiancé don't know what they are doing because love is hard to find and they probably don't even know what it is but are tangled in the idea of true love so they try to get a hand full of it and stuff it in their pockets while they still can.
I can't help but wonder how the kid with the eighteen year old boy as a father is going to grow up. The result of a night of "passion" will forever carry on in their lives because of a mistake they let slide by.
But then I realize as I am walking down the pier into the dark night. I am surrounded by water. By darkness and pure empty space. The night eats me alive as I am feeling my own heart break.
I am pretending to be in love with a man who did the same as the boy with a kid when he was that age. I am pretending to have something special with a married man with two daughters both from different women. I feel like his girlfriend that has some special meaning in his life. I feel like we are going to love each other forever but we all know that's not true.
Just like the guy on the left's love life... We will get distant from each other. Being part a game and not playing fairly tears you apart if you win. Like the guy in front of me he is going to stay married with the women he is officially with because that's the closest thing to love they have. & like the guy on the right.. he is forever connected with a woman he doesn't love but because of a stupid night.. the little child will always be a reminder.
But why do I think I am the worse of them all? Because I am part of all these fucked up things... But I don't matter.
I was just a factor.
But I see all the damage that has happened.
I was the spark in the flames in a wild fire and now all that is left are the ashes on the ground.
Published 26th Sep 2015
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26th Sep 2015 7:39am
26th Sep 2015 8:10am
Nata, while all of these things are true, each of us makes choices in life for reasons or rationalities we think will be in our own self interests. We may influences others, but in the end, we are responsible for our own lives. When we are young we make lots of bad choices. That's why parents and other older relations and teachers are constantly warning about our decisions and how they will affect us. But sometimes the only way to figure out what to do is to do what we should not. We learn best from our own mistakes. It has been this way forever. Emotions are not numbers and letters. We can't learn the solutions because you can't put love in an equation and come up with a one size fits all answer. Just take life one day at a tome. Do the best you can for you. The solutions you find for your own life are often not the same as the advice you give others because you make your choices for you, so you will always favor yourself when making them. That is human nature. Pleasure almost always wins out over pain, so we pick the option that leaves us less lonely in the moment. People only think about making babies from sex when they either want one or are terrified of having one. The rest of the time it is to feel good. Loneliness may as well have wings and a bow and arrows, but the arrows miss their mark and bite us in the ass instead of the heart.
JJ
JJ
27th Sep 2015 7:03pm
I like where the poem goes, to her awakening and questioning of her own circumstances. For me that is the most authentic feeling element of the poem and the most powerful. I wonder if there is a way to curtail portions of the story about walking on the pier that still arrives at the same point of giving the character her awakening and then letting her explore it even more deeply. I am just talking out loud, because I do like this poem and the issues and images it raises.
28th Sep 2015 5:01am
Send me a message with your ideas of the poem... I would like to hear them. & thank you for the positive comment. I'm glad you liked it
26th May 2016 10:33am
