Punching myself

I want to punch myself...
Every time I look at you I want to scream I love you
As if I don't know that falling for you is the worst thing I could do
Because I know that once my true feelings are revealed
You'll cower away back from whichever direction you come from without even a single drip or essence of the word goodbye.

There is no point telling myself that you might just feel the same
I will not lie to my tangled mind
I've been through this routine before and know what other people are capable of and its more than likely you will turn out just the same.

No matter how much I make myself aware and remind myself of the pain,
I'm not prepared for it all again,
The literal aching of my heart,
How every tear feels acidic to my cheek,
The sleepless nights scrutinising myself,
The tiring days where I look in the mirror and sigh at my sheer existence.

Despite all this, I am not willing to let go,
I can't until I know,
Until I'm certain, just like all the others, you don't want me either,
Until I am definite that I was nothing but a cheap solution to pass the time away
until youve found someone prettier and skinnier and more sociable to replace me...

I can not and will not let my love be free,
I need you,
And the pain? I need that too,
So that I can convince myself for a short period of time I felt almost happy and that I might just be in with a chance of 'making it'.

So abuse my heart and do your worst,
Make my very soul and nervous smile feel like dirt
As you crush and shatter the hopes I had for my desires...
Just my darling let me know when it is over
So I can try to breath again
So I can hold myself
So I can cry

I want to scream I love you
And that makes me want to punch myself.