deepundergroundpoetry.com
a morning
laid back ooooh
rattle
rolling through the streets
some leaves whirling
feet soaking in the shoes
hands shaking
cold children scurrying on by
quickly
dreaming of a heat
hot atmosphere
welcome ways in
warmth
dry and warm memories
to fill this space
the one you call me
who's I
head spinning thinking crazy?
'keep going'
padding along the wet streets
through the congregations
rattle
rolling through the streets
some leaves whirling
feet soaking in the shoes
hands shaking
cold children scurrying on by
quickly
dreaming of a heat
hot atmosphere
welcome ways in
warmth
dry and warm memories
to fill this space
the one you call me
who's I
head spinning thinking crazy?
'keep going'
padding along the wet streets
through the congregations
Published 29th May 2011
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Anonymous
29th May 2011 8:39pm
Is the "I" after "who's" (which should be "whose" in that context) supposed to be there? Also I don't think you need "heat" before "hot." Other than those gripes this is wonderful. The simple lines are deceptive in the way they conceal a more complex meaning, and the images are picturesque; miniature and finely honed.
29th May 2011 10:08pm
thanks for your feedback Jack...yeah the ' who's I 'line reads in response to the previous line as ' who is I ' as in the 'I' being the self.
it answers the previous line.
cheers for now
it answers the previous line.
cheers for now
Anonymous
29th May 2011 10:13pm
Oh I see, sorry for the misunderstanding, and thanks for clearing it up.
