Blah Days

Emotions have always been the driving force that helps define me
Since a young girl, I knew what I wanted to give to this world
And it was love, just love

I used to sit in my room and imagine it
What it would be like to hold someone close and just
Wrap my arms around and hug them warm and tightly

I could feel the love I thought I had inside
I remember feeling like I could just explode
If I didn't have an outlet to unleash it to soon

When a time for relationship came my way
I always knew that I'd do my best
To give all I had to someone and treat them well

I'd smile thinking about it
And no one else could relate
I knew I was different

So I kept going through the motions
Getting older and growing
Looking for people to receive my emotions

I thought if I gave it wouldn't be a problem
I had so much to spare and needed release
But I was naive to profound affects of that practice

I chose friends of all different types
I chose guys who I thought I loved but only liked
I learned losing was just a shitty part of life

I'd recover and continue the quest thinking maybe somewhere
I'd find what I was looking for eventually
And still put my heart on the line

Until it got crushed by the first time
Of falling so hard that I
Never quite knew how to pick myself up

It threw my life into disarray
I thought the pain and fear inside would kill me
Because I gave my entire self away
But I survived

Many other experiences hit me, bad and good
I did my best to heal as well as I could
And am grateful for all lessons I took

I discovered differences between infatuation and lust
I uncovered the truth, sex is not a guarantied pathway to love
You can't make it happen, either it doesn't, or it does

It matters not how much time you invest
Risks that put your heart to the test
Lack of mutual effort will lead to disconnect

And fear will only get you to a worse off place
Drowning in what could have been and self blame
Till guilt and regret are all that remains

If previous results of trying are any indication
Durability is mostly a comforting illusion
And once you absorb it fully
It's gone

So I like the idea of one foot outside
Ready to walk away at any minute danger strikes
A constant reminder that I've got strength to move

I fear that if anything ever is truly safe
On the off chance that some kind of difference can be felt
That I won't be able to let go enough to truly know it
Because I'm hardly sure that it really exists

It must be realistic to consider it possible
Surely there is some sort of balance out there
But if I don't manage to find it
I wonder where that will leave me in the end

Because I like to believe in great things as much as the rest
Somehow even when deep sorrow puts my heart to the test
But how much of that do I really have left?

I hate days where I feel unexplainably depressed
Just one of those blah days
For no reason, I guess