Stuck

I'm going to pretend that this world is mine
That I am the controller of events
And that I can masterfully make my piece
With you in it

I'm going to imagine that I can have you here
In exactly every way I crave
And that I can be free to show you things
I've been forced to keep contained

I'm going to tell myself that all my vulnerabilities are safe with you
That I can trust you not to hurt me like the rest
That every risk I take will be worth it as long as it's with you
And that you'll stay with me through it all

I just want to believe again
I want to believe there has been no change
That I hadn't accidentally rearranged the colours
Of the picture you and I were shaping

It was framed so beautifully long ago
And my trembling hands smashed the glass
I tried to put it back together but it felt like
I only crushed it

And I rolled around on the floor
Covered in the shards left behind
I wanted to feel the blood pour out of me
Like how I longed to pour my heart out to you

I wanted the emptiness to embrace me
So I could lose myself in filling that I would not get
I tried to sleep and just dream
But I'm still awake

And I can't escape

So please help me find the bridge
Where dreams cross back into reality
Because there are no rafts for these tear-filled rivers
And I can feel the currents pulling me

I'm trying hard to breathe in oxygen you've offered
But these waters have me choking on my emotions
I'm barely swallowing my weighted words
Submerged in floods of sorrow so relentless

But I just want to come back to you

I wonder if you can provide assistance
The hand that I am so desperately in need of
I hate to admit that I feel this broken
But I'm struggling hard to move forward

I do hope that you will find the right time and way
To lead me back to the place that we once shared
Because I can't stand being responsible for this alteration
I was happy with what we'd created, elated

But now we have to find a new frame
The picture still looks beautiful, but can it ever be the same?
These are the questions that remain
And my heart is in so much pain

And I am the one to blame, though I hear you

You spoke to me in tender whispers
Told me we could fix it and that all would be okay
I am in sincere admiration of your hope
Because I lack the confidence to cope

In my typical fashion I questioned your certainty of making it through
So you reminded me of aspects we have and foundations we've built
Great communication just one of many great statistics
Though I can lie to myself I cannot deny those facts

You don't seem to think anything is ruined or tainted
With this outlook I'd sure like to get acquainted
I wonder if my problem is not believing things could be similar or better
Because I'm far too consumed with how I thought we should get there

I know I'm stuck in ideal perceptions
Trapped in belief that we could have had perfect results
But it's because we felt so close...
And I liked the natural pace in which we moved

You're trying to get me to see anything could have happened to cause disruption
I understand desired outcome could not be guaranteed
But the 'what if' part just won't stop plaguing me
And I hope that I can find a way to accept

It's so hard when all I'm lost in is regret

Because I hate that things are not what they were
My irresponsibility made me responsible for consequence in my view
And now we'll never know how it could have been
But I guess it's time to let that go and focus on what is