Our Past

I stay up at nights and wonder,
Is it love? Or is it just puppy love?
Those two questions play in my head over and over,
Until I find a way to sleep,
I complicate myself with those words,
Mostly out of worry,
That this might just be for now,
But I beg for it to be forever.
But yet I remember our past.

I have loved your for eight years strong,
From the first day I met you.
Though you belong to another that time,
I didn’t care because I hid my feeling for you all those years,
I’ve watched you get hurt by your past lovers,
And I could never understand why I felt so hurt,
I wasn’t them nor you,
But my heart would always ache seeing so hurt,
I would go to you and comfort you,
But at times you would say,
“You’re still a child to know this pain...”
Those worlds would hurt me more,
But I would never show you it,
I would cry out in my room alone,
Hurt and broken from those words,

Yes I’m a child but a child who’s in love,
My life was complicated and you knew,
Others knew,
But no one knew about my feeling for you,
How everyday they got worse, stronger, and painful.
My one sided love got too painful that one day I just had enough,
I ran and hid from you and everyone,
I didn’t want to deal with it and in that time my feelings decreased,
And I was getting to accept it and like you just as friends.
And that’s how we stayed for the past two and a half years.

Then one day, after a drunken chat with our friends,
We all told each of our stupid little secrets,
And I not knowing told everyone of the old feeling I had…
I had for you.
It would have been embarrassing but the alcohol kept me brave,
Keeping me from having second thoughts,
Giving me courage to finally lift my painful burden,
Yet once I said those words it was too late,
I expose my feelings,
Just a little but not a lot.

But you were going to marry another,
And I didn't know how to express myself anymore to you,
All I wanted to do was cry right there
But instead I just got up and left saying nothing,
All remembered from that night was running in the rain,
Running far away from you,
Running from my pain until my legs couldn't take it anymore,
The rain covered my tears but not my heart.

And yet again I hid from everyone,
I wanted to be alone,
I wanted to cry for all those days and I did,
Until my friends began to notice,
They'll ask me if I was okay and I would lie that I was fine,
Just tired or depression was been too strong,
But I knew better,
For the first time in my life I knew my heart,
I knew it was hurt and broken and I had no way of fixing it.

I tried so hard to not love you.
But it was just too hard,
And I couldn't say anything to you from fear and rejection,
It felt like I was dying and I believed it,
And I hoped that you love like I loved you,
But I knew that I could never compare to your wife to be.

Days and months passed and I still refuse to speak with you or our friends,
Hiding and ignoring all ways of contact,
Until one of our friends had enough and found me,
She wanted to see me, her little sister.
She wanted me to tell her what was wrong,
She knew I was in pain,
And she wanted to be someone I could rely on,
I was like her little sister and I finally spoke,
More like cried in her arms.
I finally told someone everything my heavy heart carried,
And she listen to every word until I was done,
She scolded me for not telling her earlier,
But she helped me more than I could ever help myself
And I could never find how to thank her without crying that day,

She helped me a lot and she was my savior,
Making me stronger and helping me forget you,
And it work but I still refuse to see you,
I didn't want to remember and I was glad,
But you still kept on trying to find me,
I didn't go to our regular places for a long time,
And you began to worry,
Because no one would tell you where I was or how I was,
Mostly because not many knew where I was or what I was doing,
Unless I would talk to them and tell them,
And asked them not to talk much about me to you.

And over that time of hiding from you,
You found out your wife to be wasn’t that faithful,
And you called off your engagement,
You were broken hearted and had no one to hear you,
Mostly because the one who would hear you was gone,
I was busy living my life without thinking or loving you.
But yet you found a way to find me,

I didn't want to see you but there you were,
In front of me, not letting me go,
Your eyes were so hurt and I made it worse trying to leave,
You pulled me closer to you and begged me not to go,
My heart ached to those words,
Not from seeing you in pain but because those were the words I said before,
And I broke in anger towards you in your arms,
Trying to break free from your grip I yelled and screamed at you,
I screamed out all the pain you gave me with my eyes covered in my bitter tears,

When you let me free from your grasp I sat on the floor in tears as you watched me,
For the first time you saw my pain,
You saw my broken heart that day,
Instead of helping you helping you heal your broken heart,
You listen to mine,
And apologize for all the pain you gave me all those years,
You apologized to me that whole day in tears,

Two broken hearts cried that day.
One asking for forgiveness for their mistake,
And one who finally broke their silence.
Those bitter tears finally become painfully sweet,
Years if heartache finally gone,
Years of lies finally coming to an end.
And a promise to make it better.

A promise to start out new,
Not as friends but as lovers.