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Untitled
It feels so wrong.
Then, it feels perfect.
My mind is split.
I can't tell the difference.
My bed the snake pit--
Her head is worth it.
Those eyes are toxic.
I can't shake the feeling.
I can't take the pleading.
The sex is the reason.
I may never leave my room--
Not so long as she stays.
This may spell out doom.
She is not the type to date.
Lies lying all around us--
Lust is all it is with us.
Drugs are a must for us.
I can't pretend.
She is no best friend.
I'm on my own in the end.
Every time I touch her skin,
I'm falling for the wind.
This is another dead end--
Just castles made of sand.
Then, it feels perfect.
My mind is split.
I can't tell the difference.
My bed the snake pit--
Her head is worth it.
Those eyes are toxic.
I can't shake the feeling.
I can't take the pleading.
The sex is the reason.
I may never leave my room--
Not so long as she stays.
This may spell out doom.
She is not the type to date.
Lies lying all around us--
Lust is all it is with us.
Drugs are a must for us.
I can't pretend.
She is no best friend.
I'm on my own in the end.
Every time I touch her skin,
I'm falling for the wind.
This is another dead end--
Just castles made of sand.
Written by
rainy_day13
(william swann)
Published 23rd Mar 2015
| Edited 25th May 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 20
reading list entries 4
comments 34
reads 1615
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re: Untitled
23rd Mar 2015 6:22am
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23rd Mar 2015 1:32pm
Re: Untitled
25th Mar 2015 11:33am
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25th Mar 2015 7:30pm
Re: Untitled
26th Mar 2015 5:05am
You sound very detached in this poem...very impersonal and heady write. I have been in this type of relationship and youre right...they never bode well.
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re: Re: Untitled
26th Mar 2015 5:20am
What a well worded comment. You really hit the nail on the head. Thank you for giving my stuff a shot and for the fallow. I look forward to checking out your stuff!
Anonymous
- Edited 2nd Jul 2024 3:45am
5th Apr 2015 11:06am
<< post removed >>
re: Re: Untitled
5th Apr 2015 11:09am
Thank you, and thanks for the fallow and add!! Glad to have you in the mix now!!
Re: Untitled
5th Apr 2015 4:29pm
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6th Apr 2015 1:09am
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13th Apr 2015 9:48am
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13th Apr 2015 12:23pm
Re: Untitled
Anonymous
- Edited 26th Apr 2015 10:48am
26th Apr 2015 10:46am
"My bead the sneak pit"--
What??? is this a sex metaphor or a phrase for drug mix...or something? lol... translate please? Did you mean "my head the snake pit"?
What??? is this a sex metaphor or a phrase for drug mix...or something? lol... translate please? Did you mean "my head the snake pit"?
1
re: Re: Untitled
I meant, my bed the snake pit.
It was a misspelling.
Thanks for pointing it out.
It was a misspelling.
Thanks for pointing it out.
Re: Untitled
13th May 2015 5:12pm
This style of work demonstrates a type of artistic maturity in my limited opinion. Please keep writing.
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re: Re: Untitled
14th May 2015 00:25am
Re: Untitled
10th Jun 2015 3:51am
William Swann, luv ~ :-*
You write an intriguing and riveting poem here, tinged with desperation, melancholy, and ravenous thirst. You do it skillfully, too, with a deft hand.
I cannot help but wonder this as I ponder, though: without the drugs, what, then, of the sex? Still all-consuming, still entrancing, seductive, worth the toxic snake pit you've portrayed, luv? :-*
(I'm not bothering to address any of the other extant issues, luv... ;-p)
If the sex palls without the drugs, I might re-examine the compulsion. If it's extraordinary and fantastic without as well, then you Really have a problem... ;-p
You write an intriguing and riveting poem here, tinged with desperation, melancholy, and ravenous thirst. You do it skillfully, too, with a deft hand.
I cannot help but wonder this as I ponder, though: without the drugs, what, then, of the sex? Still all-consuming, still entrancing, seductive, worth the toxic snake pit you've portrayed, luv? :-*
(I'm not bothering to address any of the other extant issues, luv... ;-p)
If the sex palls without the drugs, I might re-examine the compulsion. If it's extraordinary and fantastic without as well, then you Really have a problem... ;-p
1
re: Re: Untitled
13th Jun 2015 6:45am
Thank you for this comment. Your complements brought a smile to my face. As far as the dilemma you proposed, I cant honestly answer. This poem was written in recollection and I still don't fully understand what happened with that femme fatal young lady. You do pose an interesting point though. Thanks for the read though and I appreciate the amount of thought you put into your comment.
Anonymous
- Edited 24th Oct 2018 3:45pm
29th May 2018 8:56am
<< post removed >>
Re. Untitled
23rd Dec 2019 00:40am
Re: Re. Untitled
23rd Dec 2019 00:45am
Thanks for the read. Always appreciated and yes, the real story with her did not end well!
Re: Re. Untitled
23rd Dec 2019 00:53am
You're welcome, rainy. Perhaps you'll return the courtesy when you find the time :)
Keep up the great writing,
NewB
Keep up the great writing,
NewB
0
Re: Re. Untitled
24th Dec 2019 3:38am
Re. Untitled
12th Apr 2020 8:50am
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12th Apr 2020 8:56am
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12th Apr 2020 8:57am
Re. Untitled
15th May 2021 6:37am
Nicely penned ... great emoting/evoking ... I could feel the desire ... the turmoil ... the line length and stanza size lend themselves to the effect ... she sounds ... delicious ... even if in a toxic kind of way ...
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Re: Re. Untitled
15th May 2021 7:50am
Re. Untitled
15th May 2021 1:57pm
Yesterday I was reading an erotic poem on this site and reflecting on how much erotic poetry here is illiterate, grotesque pornography. This poem you've written would be a breath of fresh air in that category, because it has a relation to sex and lovemaking that feels genuinely erotic, in a poetic sense, with imagination and mood. I'd like to see more specific imagery - describe, for instance, her shoulder, the quality of the light in the room, the precise fold and colour of the bedsheets - but the emotion is there, and elegantly presented.
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Re: Re. Untitled
20th May 2021 3:47am
This is an excellent comment. I really appreciate the in depth read, complement, and wise critique. As always, I appreciate your time, attention, and effort.
Anonymous
- Edited 18th Nov 2021 8:45pm
15th Sep 2021 1:21pm
<< post removed >>
Re: Re. Untitled
15th Sep 2021 7:04pm
Bravo my friend, Bravo. I can honestly say that is my favorite comment in 8 years,
That was excellent of you. I felt like you were in my mind. Thanks again. You're the best!
That was excellent of you. I felt like you were in my mind. Thanks again. You're the best!
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Re: Re. Untitled
15th Oct 2021 1:40am