A thought

It is all bubbling up again the pain of today, yesterday and, the yesterday of that yesterday
Looking back at it all, I was confused, acted out, tried to suppress pain with self destruction
Everything I love has been slowly disposed of by me, my dignity, my pride, my hopes, my best freind, and now my dream
stronger than an army sent to be my end is myself, at least the army would do so quickly
But I perfer a good fight, a loading fight, a hopeless fight, to see myself squirm crying out in pain all the way down, I would rather kill myself by inaction than live my dreams
Watch myself burn force myself into a whole host of mental conditions secretly ploted by myself to gain the sweetness of that dispair to only wash them away so coaght up in my games I thought I was mad
Only to realize the ture madman is me all along, taking myself apart every chance, creating reasons to do such acts to myself, hating myself for a reason I do not know or recall or see, striping myself of everything I charish, and somehow enjoying my own suffering
All because I am scared I am hurt I am afraid of becoming who I want, achieving what I should, failing, having something to lose, and being happy for once in my life.
Being happy, not a laughter, not a brief moment that I couldn't contain but being turely glad I am alive
For I am afraid of having something to lose so afaid of the thief I do his duty
Filled with pain and anger and hatred and sheer weight on my heart I atfack myself so I can see something hurt, watch something slowly die, so I did it to myself because nothing is as more sick than hurting yourself to feel something bleed inside
Oh how sick I am to do these things
I am tired
I am alone
I have almost lost my dreams
I cry at night
And I got everything I wanted to
I don't want it anymore
I want my dream
My life
My future
I miss my friend
I miss my youth
I miss my happiness