dirt n' dust

most of the time i take pride in keeping a clean house. but when pride becomes too heavy, and i need a dose of humility, i let the mess pile around me as a meditation on my humanity. there is so much in myself that i am critical of, even when i am feeling happy and useful. but having a purpose has never really been the point. my purpose is fulfilled through simple existence, yet i struggle to act from a place of acknowledging this Truth. there is nothing i need to accomplish to be whole. i am whole already, even with my apparent failures and weaknesses. my messes help me embrace my shadows, and accept myself in my current state, which had always been a key element to moving on to the next step. i sit in a pile of my clothes, pseudo skins peeled away with lingering scents reminding me of all my vices, and i find a place within that is content to notice these remnants of my ego. my grime and stains mirroring the sullied memories of failed attempts. specks embedded in the carpet reminding me to dig deep into my unexplored unconscious. my make up bag spilling its guts, reminding me of hours spent in front of a mirror. but it isn't always a matter of tweezing or primping. the dusty mirror also reminds me of sitting naked and raw, staring into my own eyes for hours, learning to embrace a body that was never quite what i remembered it being the time before. that was the kindness and honesty of the mess. it made me sit with the hard facts. the smells and debris reminding me that i am a smoker. that i am vain. that i am lazy. that i grasp and yearn for sentimental reasons. but also that i embody a beauty deeper than skin. that i find meaning in the most casual of events. that at the end of it all, i know how to clean up. when i have spent enough time contemplating the clutter, i make an intention that as i clean up my exterior space, my interior becomes cleansed as well. when spirituality is approached from an egoic perspective in can be easy to get caught up in a feeling of self righteousness or purity that makes one gain a false sense of superiority. i need my dirt n' dust to stay grounded and centred in my humanity so i an delve deeper into my essence without denying my origins. i feel light and free in a tidy space. but sometimes contentment means we never face our shadows. it may not be very often, but i am happy to know when the time comes, i can face my dirt n' dust.