deepundergroundpoetry.com
"60 Minutes," and More
This is my first attempt at prose on this site. I would appreciate any feed back. I don't mind being dissected.
It had become a ritual. Sheila and I would first prepare dinner on Sunday evening, then sit down to the latest news probing on "60 Minutes."
The lasagna turned out to have the consistency of a brick, but we ate it anyway, sparing ourselves any mutual blame. Dessert was ice cream, a safe bet right from the freezer.
We plopped down on the couch after finishing the World Class Chocolate, ready to catch up on the latest "60 Minutes" coverage.
We zeroed in on the tube, finding our focus and briefly forgetting our own petty concerns.
The problem was that Sheila was wearing her cut off jeans and tight Nine Inch Nails t-shirt. Her legs were extended on the coffee table.
They were far from perfect, a little heavy in the thighs, but to me they were sculpture. Sheila had shaved them that morning, and they shined in the television's strobing light.
My love wasn't wearing a bra, and the gentle swell of her breasts was clear. Her nipples appeared somewhere within the t-shirt's N I N logo.
I casually rested my hand on her thigh, and began stroking. Sheila responded by draping her leg over my knee, and this was enough to set me off. I had on my warm up pants and things were heating up inside that cotton.
Sheila was outraged at the disruption of our Sunday twilight routine.
"Are you getting a hard on, you freak?," she demanded, "just as they're pulling into Syria?" Sheila turned her eyes back to the screen, but the corners of her sweet lips were curling into a smile.
"I guess I'm just callous," I replied, trying to sound contrite but not that convincingly. "But you're a corrupter of my morality, a fucking spiritual plague."
"And you'll just have to deal with it," she answered, tugging down my warm ups just as a commercial came on about disposable diapers. This was followed by a segment on hunger in a country that now escapes my memory.
Sheila leaned over and took me in her mouth. She began bobbing her head, slowly then with increasing speed. Pretty basic thus far.
Then, very eventually, Sheila took me all the way in, holding me, wriggling her tongue, her voice humming. She knew just how to pull my trigger.
I exploded, and Sheila seemed to enjoy every drop.
The "60 Minutes" moderator offered commentary. "Most of the population appears to be starving," he intoned, looking extremely grave.
"Not here, they're not," I sighed as Sheila surfaced, smiling brightly. "Not in this corner of the planet."
It had become a ritual. Sheila and I would first prepare dinner on Sunday evening, then sit down to the latest news probing on "60 Minutes."
The lasagna turned out to have the consistency of a brick, but we ate it anyway, sparing ourselves any mutual blame. Dessert was ice cream, a safe bet right from the freezer.
We plopped down on the couch after finishing the World Class Chocolate, ready to catch up on the latest "60 Minutes" coverage.
We zeroed in on the tube, finding our focus and briefly forgetting our own petty concerns.
The problem was that Sheila was wearing her cut off jeans and tight Nine Inch Nails t-shirt. Her legs were extended on the coffee table.
They were far from perfect, a little heavy in the thighs, but to me they were sculpture. Sheila had shaved them that morning, and they shined in the television's strobing light.
My love wasn't wearing a bra, and the gentle swell of her breasts was clear. Her nipples appeared somewhere within the t-shirt's N I N logo.
I casually rested my hand on her thigh, and began stroking. Sheila responded by draping her leg over my knee, and this was enough to set me off. I had on my warm up pants and things were heating up inside that cotton.
Sheila was outraged at the disruption of our Sunday twilight routine.
"Are you getting a hard on, you freak?," she demanded, "just as they're pulling into Syria?" Sheila turned her eyes back to the screen, but the corners of her sweet lips were curling into a smile.
"I guess I'm just callous," I replied, trying to sound contrite but not that convincingly. "But you're a corrupter of my morality, a fucking spiritual plague."
"And you'll just have to deal with it," she answered, tugging down my warm ups just as a commercial came on about disposable diapers. This was followed by a segment on hunger in a country that now escapes my memory.
Sheila leaned over and took me in her mouth. She began bobbing her head, slowly then with increasing speed. Pretty basic thus far.
Then, very eventually, Sheila took me all the way in, holding me, wriggling her tongue, her voice humming. She knew just how to pull my trigger.
I exploded, and Sheila seemed to enjoy every drop.
The "60 Minutes" moderator offered commentary. "Most of the population appears to be starving," he intoned, looking extremely grave.
"Not here, they're not," I sighed as Sheila surfaced, smiling brightly. "Not in this corner of the planet."
Published 4th Jan 2015
| Edited 5th Jan 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 1
comments 16
reads 865
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
4th Jan 2015 7:18pm
oh this is going to be fun!
(full disclosure, i skimmed a bit to get the gist of the piece, and now i'm going back in for a good read.)
(full disclosure, i skimmed a bit to get the gist of the piece, and now i'm going back in for a good read.)
Anonymous
4th Jan 2015 7:37pm
i like this little piece of 'ordinary' amongst all the not ordinary that happens here on dup! it is very nice. very nice indeed. the setting is spot on, the dialogue good. i really like the sarcastic banter between the two. it gives insight into their relationship. and i find the details of what is happening on the screen very funny.
now, i'm about to pull out my red pencil! :) (i love a good red pencil!)
-the 'block' of text is somewhat hard to read. i would prefer this in separate paragraphs. is this just a formatting error? did you copy and paste from a word processing document and it not carry over?
-is the blowjob a ritual as well, or was that break from the ritual? if it is not what normally happens, a little commentary about that would be nice.
-regarding this sentence:
"She wasn't wearing a bra, and the gentle swell of her breasts was clear, her nipples appearing somewhere between the N I N caught in the Nine Inch Nails logo."
you start the sentence right before that with "she" as well (i struggle with this!) maybe re-write the sentence so that it reads something like this: The gentle swell of her breasts was clear. Nipples appeared somewhere between the N I N logo, letting me know she wasn't wearing a bra.
i just don't like reading sentences that all start with the same word. (again, i struggle when writing prose with this very thing!)
-instead of 'she asked' after the freak bit, why not she demanded or something like that. gives her a bit more....bite.
-the your in the corrupter sentence should be you're
-i'd like an expletive, or at least a good adjective before spiritual plague (just my own desire inserted there.)
overall, i find this really good. it's funny and erotic and...just really good. made this lady smile!
now, i'm about to pull out my red pencil! :) (i love a good red pencil!)
-the 'block' of text is somewhat hard to read. i would prefer this in separate paragraphs. is this just a formatting error? did you copy and paste from a word processing document and it not carry over?
-is the blowjob a ritual as well, or was that break from the ritual? if it is not what normally happens, a little commentary about that would be nice.
-regarding this sentence:
"She wasn't wearing a bra, and the gentle swell of her breasts was clear, her nipples appearing somewhere between the N I N caught in the Nine Inch Nails logo."
you start the sentence right before that with "she" as well (i struggle with this!) maybe re-write the sentence so that it reads something like this: The gentle swell of her breasts was clear. Nipples appeared somewhere between the N I N logo, letting me know she wasn't wearing a bra.
i just don't like reading sentences that all start with the same word. (again, i struggle when writing prose with this very thing!)
-instead of 'she asked' after the freak bit, why not she demanded or something like that. gives her a bit more....bite.
-the your in the corrupter sentence should be you're
-i'd like an expletive, or at least a good adjective before spiritual plague (just my own desire inserted there.)
overall, i find this really good. it's funny and erotic and...just really good. made this lady smile!
4th Jan 2015 7:51pm
Thanks for the detailed commentary, Minerva. I'll go over it again and take a good hard look at the details. I'm glad you didn't find this callous. I do care about world events, Syria and otherwise. It's just that my attention span is pretty weak. And I'm easily distracted, particularly by someone like Sheila, who's really no more than one of the ladies of my dreams. That red pencil's nice and sharp, and again I appreciate it. I wrote this in a hurry, a little nervous about the outcome and response. Cheers!
Anonymous
4th Jan 2015 7:56pm
not callous at all! i mean, we all have to take a break from the world. sometimes just to give ourselves some 'fresh air.'
i hope you don't mind me offering up so many suggestions. i try very hard not to get defensive when someone critiques my work, but i don't always succeed.
my red pencils are always sharp!
i hope you don't mind me offering up so many suggestions. i try very hard not to get defensive when someone critiques my work, but i don't always succeed.
my red pencils are always sharp!
4th Jan 2015 8:44pm
Minerva, I think your critique was spot on. I changed it accordingly. Thanks so much for your help!
Anonymous
5th Jan 2015 10:38am
oh the changes are great! good job!
5th Jan 2015 4:09pm
Anonymous
5th Jan 2015 4:48pm
you are most welcome. i love my red pencils a bit too much!
4th Jan 2015 8:36pm
Enjoyed the write, Crowfly. You tell it well...more! more..:) I think you should write short stories more often.
4th Jan 2015 8:46pm
4th Jan 2015 8:53pm
A nice ink it is and it kinda heated me up a bit. Since you requested for an honest critique I will state a few things I think would bring out a good read (at least for my kind of person). Consider these lines: "Sheila leaned over and took me in
her mouth. She began bobbing her
head, slowly then with increasing
speed." I think it's better to start with "she" cause we already know that it's Sheila you are talking about. Also I would prefer if the statement, "She began" be removed and the "bobbing her head..." be incorporated in the previous sentence. Something like this I mean: She leaned over and took me in
her mouth, bobbing her
head, slowly then with increasing
speed.
Also, in the line where you talked about exploding, I feel a stronger verb than drop to be used since explosions give out tremendous energy, you know.
Really nice ink.
her mouth. She began bobbing her
head, slowly then with increasing
speed." I think it's better to start with "she" cause we already know that it's Sheila you are talking about. Also I would prefer if the statement, "She began" be removed and the "bobbing her head..." be incorporated in the previous sentence. Something like this I mean: She leaned over and took me in
her mouth, bobbing her
head, slowly then with increasing
speed.
Also, in the line where you talked about exploding, I feel a stronger verb than drop to be used since explosions give out tremendous energy, you know.
Really nice ink.
4th Jan 2015 9:02pm
Anonymous
5th Jan 2015 9:39am
Consistency of a brick..giggle think I must of cooked it! Typical women telling u to back off but secretly living every minute of it ;) Well now my dear Sir Crow, Lady Muse must confess to being a little wet after reading this ink. Great short story, exactly like it would happen in a mundane relationship when the lady is in the mood!
5th Jan 2015 4:00pm
A girlfriend and I once cooked some lasagna that suffered a similar fate. But no "60 Minutes" for me. I must confess I'm pleased it elicited that moist reaction. No harm in a little innocent fun. Thank you, Lady Muse.
5th Jan 2015 10:34am
Great short piece Crow - Much like all previous comments, I quite like the normality of the setting - making it extremely approachable and no doubt for many who read it - quick and easy to identify with.
5th Jan 2015 4:08pm
