deepundergroundpoetry.com
At Times
Some days the clouds stand right in front of my sunlight,
without a fight I let them stand.
Dark,
Dingy,
Impenetrable to the sun is my golden skin,
no way to allow the UV rays in.
Some days the clouds black the rain.
Drops of confusion rain on the insane,
Fading away our painted on smiles
soon to be painted on again.
Some days when I'm sad
I'm still crying in the mirror,
Wary of my dark clouds getting bigger.
Without direction blazing winds carry my soul into vanity,
some days the wind blows so hard clothes don't stand a chance on my naked body.
The calm quiet dark
floods every brain cell,
every atom,
every ligament,
every bone into chaos and calamity.
Depression raids my soul with the frustration of a hurricane,
some days I have to force myself into the rain.
without a fight I let them stand.
Dark,
Dingy,
Impenetrable to the sun is my golden skin,
no way to allow the UV rays in.
Some days the clouds black the rain.
Drops of confusion rain on the insane,
Fading away our painted on smiles
soon to be painted on again.
Some days when I'm sad
I'm still crying in the mirror,
Wary of my dark clouds getting bigger.
Without direction blazing winds carry my soul into vanity,
some days the wind blows so hard clothes don't stand a chance on my naked body.
The calm quiet dark
floods every brain cell,
every atom,
every ligament,
every bone into chaos and calamity.
Depression raids my soul with the frustration of a hurricane,
some days I have to force myself into the rain.
Published 18th Nov 2014
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The author encourages honest critique.
22nd Nov 2014 7:25am
The first part of your poem is full of rhymes, some internal, but lines 5 to 10 seem to be deliberately end rhymed. Rhymes can be very powerful in providing pattern and emphasis but when used with a scattergun approach can lose all effectiveness. The simple but powerful final line is very effective and resonates. Hope that you don't mind my critique. It is friendly and helpful in intention.
22nd Nov 2014 9:40am
no thank you for the critique, I am so tired of people telling me everything is good when their is really something that just doesn't catch my attention. I am only trying to get better and I really enjoy writing so any critique is extremely valuable.
