In-between

 Everyone but everyone floats here.
I contemplate my weightlessness
and reflect on my life as it was.
A life spent frivolously.
a life lived in the fullness of light
Or what I perceived to be light.
Imagine my rude awakening
into a field of similar beings.
Initially confused in a purple fog
along with other floating cadavers.
The fog dissipates,
‘There’s thousands of them,’
‘Tens of thousands,’
not making a solitary sound.
all are the same, all are mute.
We are restricted from any movement,
each a prisoner of its own
damaged and dead bodies.
All screams, cries and panic
are internally felt
but cannot be expressed.
My sub conscious wars with my conscious.
They are both in overdrive.
My subconscious serves only as a mind rapist.
Memories are unfettered.
Good, bad and indifferent.
I look up to the light.
I look down into the darkness.

It’s not clear what’s expected.
There’s no register.
‘Am I meant to weep?’
‘Am I meant to plead for mercy?’
There is no one to explain.
No one I can negotiate with.
I am scared that my decision
has already been made for me,
without the due process.
That might give me some leverage
to seek the freedom,
to choose my direction.
But I know, in my heart,
It may all be too late.
Maybe all my life
I have been wrong footed.
I look up to the light.
I look down into the darkness.

I can hear angelic voices raised in praise
I can hear the haunting peal of bells
I can hear the hymns of a choir invisible
I can hear the pleading of tortured souls
I can hear laughter and the joy of joys
I can hear screams of terror and agony
‘Listen, listen, listen.’
‘Can’t you hear them?
So much anguish and pain.
So much raptureous abandon.
They both torture me daily,
in equal measure.
There’ no way of knowing
which sound I will join
or exactly when I will join it
My only realisation so far:
In life I should have listened more
talked less and chosen more wisely.
I look up to the light
I look down into the darkness
And realise I am in-between