deepundergroundpoetry.com
Promise
Promise me to love
no more than our horizontal dance.
Promise me to accept
the underlying shallowness.
Promise me to leave
just fingerprints
on the surface of my skin,
to leave no more than
volatile hints of our bodily sins.
Promise me
that you'll lie to me
as truly as you can.
And in return
I’ll promise you
to draw no more blood
from your misguided heart
than you draw from mine.
no more than our horizontal dance.
Promise me to accept
the underlying shallowness.
Promise me to leave
just fingerprints
on the surface of my skin,
to leave no more than
volatile hints of our bodily sins.
Promise me
that you'll lie to me
as truly as you can.
And in return
I’ll promise you
to draw no more blood
from your misguided heart
than you draw from mine.
Published 11th Oct 2014
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likes 14
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comments 31
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The author encourages honest critique.
11th Oct 2014 11:09pm
that's quite a promise...
not to make, but to keep..:)
oh and it's quite a poem, too!
not to make, but to keep..:)
oh and it's quite a poem, too!
11th Oct 2014 11:24pm
Thanks you so much, Paul, I promised someone to break up the static haiku form in order to open my mind a bit to free verse poems. It's hard ...
11th Oct 2014 11:10pm
I love this. It's simple and direct, yet still hits exactly how it's supposed to.
My one little nit (crit) would be line 2 in the second stanza. I stumbled over it, instead of flowing. IMO something like -
"Promise me
that you'll lie to me
as truly as you can"
would scan just that little bit better.
Other than that, I can't fault the piece. :) Related and enjoyed.
My one little nit (crit) would be line 2 in the second stanza. I stumbled over it, instead of flowing. IMO something like -
"Promise me
that you'll lie to me
as truly as you can"
would scan just that little bit better.
Other than that, I can't fault the piece. :) Related and enjoyed.
11th Oct 2014 11:18pm
Thank you so much for the read and your precious advice, Miss Indie! I'm happy about your help and will revise (can I say so?) the line at once. Glad you took my request for critique seriously :-)!
11th Oct 2014 11:18pm
11th Oct 2014 11:27pm
12th Oct 2014 00:42am
12th Oct 2014 1:58pm
Life is a contradiction in terms. So is love. Opposites attract, for whatever reason. Thanks for your soft and pure comment, Hashman :-).
12th Oct 2014 1:12am
Wow Miss Chi
What a declaration! At least you are keeping it real ; )
Bien hecho mi hermana
What a declaration! At least you are keeping it real ; )
Bien hecho mi hermana
12th Oct 2014 2:06pm
Muchas gracias, querida Lena! Always try to get to the point even if it means to bleed (out) :-).
12th Oct 2014 1:59am
12th Oct 2014 2:11pm
12th Oct 2014 2:56am
Its got a tinge of sarcasm and anger that Tells you this is a love, hate thing.
12th Oct 2014 2:15pm
You got it perfectly, xmar82. Sometimes the balance between love and hate is too fine a line. Torn between feelings ...
Anonymous
12th Oct 2014 8:24am
No matter what promise, love tends to bleed....
Nice to see a new poetry style by you, chi
Nice to see a new poetry style by you, chi
12th Oct 2014 2:21pm
Since love makes you vulnerable to all kind of hurt we all know aabout the suffering from bleeding hearts.
Yes, I had to do something different from the haiku form, something less restricted. Will do me good, I think :-).
Yes, I had to do something different from the haiku form, something less restricted. Will do me good, I think :-).
12th Oct 2014 5:23pm
My favourite lines:
"Promise me
that you'll lie to me
as truly as you can."
This would have been worth quoting some time ago...anyway, well done Miss Chi! :-)
Hope, your abstinence from the haiku form won't be a total one :-).
"Promise me
that you'll lie to me
as truly as you can."
This would have been worth quoting some time ago...anyway, well done Miss Chi! :-)
Hope, your abstinence from the haiku form won't be a total one :-).
Perhaps it has been quoted some time ago, that I can't know since it is common to hope for a merciful lie knowing that the one you love has his dark secrets you long and fear to know.
There's no abstinence from the haiku form, just a little stroll beyond the bounds of formality.
There's no abstinence from the haiku form, just a little stroll beyond the bounds of formality.
12th Oct 2014 5:58pm
wonderful work, Chi. it leads us not down the primrose path of love poetry, but rather the rocky road that it may ultimately become...
Thank you so much, John. You know how much I adore your outstanding work and I feel honored by your kind words. Sigh, it seems I'm more the one for the rocky roads ... at least as for my poems :-).
13th Oct 2014 5:41pm
A very good observation of our experience in relationships. A lot of times it is bittersweet. We know that there is no future for us and that we might be betrayed in the future by that person. Nevertheless, we cling to having someone to be with us, so we make this promise constantly to avoid getting too attached and getting hurt later on.
13th Oct 2014 10:27pm
Refusing to see despite open eyes
you run into the sharp blade
of unhappiness. Willingly,
knowingly. Not being able to let go.
Thanks a lot for your thoughtful comment, Decipher Me.
you run into the sharp blade
of unhappiness. Willingly,
knowingly. Not being able to let go.
Thanks a lot for your thoughtful comment, Decipher Me.
13th Oct 2014 9:17pm
Wow, a beautiful declaration! And I like the second stanza! Wonderful work, Miss Chi!
13th Oct 2014 10:29pm
Thank you so much, malin! A surrogate for a contribution to the "international flavours".
Anonymous
14th Oct 2014 2:36pm
This is fantastic... great line...
"Promise me to leave
just fingerprints
on the surface of my skin"
"Promise me to leave
just fingerprints
on the surface of my skin"
19th Oct 2014 11:57am
Thanks a lot, WriterMoe, for your kind words! There are people you shouldn't allow to get under your skin.
Anonymous
27th Oct 2014 2:59pm
Agreed...
14th Oct 2014 9:50pm
19th Oct 2014 11:58am
Not really the remnants of love, Je, rather the remnants of a carnal battlefield.
Anonymous
16th Oct 2014 9:13pm
<< post removed >>
19th Oct 2014 12:01pm
You got it, Gabriel. Glad you stopped by and took your time to read what "promises" I made.
（。ˇ ⊖ˇ）♡
（。ˇ ⊖ˇ）♡
