deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lost Child
I seem to have lost my way
through the forest
as I play.
Alone and cold,
with no place to go,
I cry myself to sleep.
As I shiver in fear,
I hear a voice;
you calling my name.
A bright light,
shining upon me;
I'm so glad to see.
I was lost,
but now I'm found.
The tears go away,
and a smile is here to stay.
~~This probably needs some work (I just now wrote it), and I don't know what it needs, what do you think?
through the forest
as I play.
Alone and cold,
with no place to go,
I cry myself to sleep.
As I shiver in fear,
I hear a voice;
you calling my name.
A bright light,
shining upon me;
I'm so glad to see.
I was lost,
but now I'm found.
The tears go away,
and a smile is here to stay.
~~This probably needs some work (I just now wrote it), and I don't know what it needs, what do you think?
Published 15th Sep 2014
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The author encourages honest critique.
15th Sep 2014 8:55pm
What work? Originality beats eloquence.
I think it needs you to believe in it more. I'm sure if it could talk that's what itd say.
Increase your vocabulary, and write denser poems. Words like "alone" and "cold" are thrown around everywhere.
I am not in a good place to criticize your poem more than i already have without crossing the line of hypocrisy. (Trying to remove dust in someone's eye when you've got a plank in yours. That hypocrisy)
Well, i look forward to reading more original writings from you.
Wanderer.
I think it needs you to believe in it more. I'm sure if it could talk that's what itd say.
Increase your vocabulary, and write denser poems. Words like "alone" and "cold" are thrown around everywhere.
I am not in a good place to criticize your poem more than i already have without crossing the line of hypocrisy. (Trying to remove dust in someone's eye when you've got a plank in yours. That hypocrisy)
Well, i look forward to reading more original writings from you.
Wanderer.
15th Sep 2014 10:59pm
17th Sep 2014 00:07am
Thank you for sharing this. It helped me realize how I am feeling inside my own head. "Lost but found" all at the same time! I really like the flow.
17th Sep 2014 00:53am
