Never Wins, Never Loses

I've been battling with depression lately. I'm losing. I thought I was winning until someone told me, "Nothing bothers you"

That hurt. That hurt a lot. That's when I realized that there are four of me. The first two are defense mechanism and the other two are less defensive.

The first one is the public Spitz. The one that is never bothered. He is always joking, never to be fazed. He is always the first to make an inappropriate joke. One such joke is to walk up to a group of people, preferably one that has no recognizable faces, and claims he fucks sheep. When asked why he said such a thing, eh claims that it was to break the ice, or to weed out the fun from the normal. The Public Spitz is almost never serious and always smiles. He is the type of person that one would think could never have a demon in his head. The type of person that could give amazing advice to just about any problem. The type of person that would gladly listen to your problems, share a drink then laugh it off with you, or cry with you. The type of person that would make amazing commentary on a film, play, show or person. The odd-ball at every party. The friendly neighborhood asshole that everyone both loves and hates.

The second one is the Business/Professional Spitz. This Spitz is very quiet and...well professional. He only speaks when spoken to. He is very respectable. He is even this way when in a public place, such as a grocery store. Always says, "Ma'am, sir, thank you, no thank you, please, ect." with a smile. Always speaks loudly and clear, but only when necessary. Professional Spitz is the type of person that goes almost unnoticed, but almost always appreciated then forgotten. He is the type of person that could listen to a problem and solve. One that is never too emotional. Almost like a robot, but instead is much more loud.

The third one is private me. The Spitz that only his close friends and family can see. He's loud, opinionated, creative, passionate, ambitious, other stuff of that nature. And in rare cases, he shows his sensitive side, the ability to cry. Not really depressed as much as tired and overworked. This one only shows himself when confident to do so. He even appears on this site a lot. He is the type of person that is both loud and quiet. Only speaks when he is ready to do so. Always has something to be said, but will be patient.

The last one is the one that is typing write now, the real Spitz. Once you take away all the other Spitzes and people, you're left with one last Spitz. One that is afraid of people. Afraid of being hurt. One that has been hurt too many times to feel loved. The one that is always sad, never can enjoy himself. The one that cries at the most trivial of things. The one that always worries about everything. He's present in all of the Spitzes, but only as a small little voice. When all alone, his voice is louder than the rest.

The last Spitz was the one hurt the most by that comment. It made me hate the other Spitzes that much more. Even made him begin to cut and take sleeping pills. If you didn't know before, I ODed on sleeping pills before. I loved them. They made sleeping blissful and worth it. I could never sleep peacefully before them. And now, they're still in my life. I was a pill addict. I would steal, bribe, pay for just about anything that would grantee that I could sleep the next day. I was always stressed by the simplest of things, and could never sleep because of them. So I needed pills. That's that. But now, I want to feel better about myself. I can't. Depression isn't something that goes away, especially when you hear, "Nothing bothers you"