Faded

First time commenting on one of your poems and I like the depth and darkness of this piece which i will add to my list..but my praise wouldn't be fair and complete if i didn't share few things which i'm not too keen about.

The first part with repetition of 'again' and 'away' in short few lines with the rhyming factor just makes it seem like it was a lazy approach.
Probably the best solution imo would be to separate them out as standing liners with full stops, to make the reader pause and think and not to get hung up on the rhyming factor.

//as I inhale the intoxicating
smoke of ambition
and once I exhale //

In the last stanza as it lead to reading the above lines out loud there was a flow problem.

The last line is fantastic bringing it full circle again..love it.

Haha cheers for the comment, I wrote this as I was passing out on synthetic. No wonder it was lazy. Fuckin' wrecked me, write drunk, edit sober.

An abstract thing which is more a conveyance of feeling than a narrative, which isn't a criticism, merely an observation. To beef it up and make it last I'd suggest adding a LITTLE more narrative, however; you can achieve this just by adding a sense of place and a bit more of character. My favourite part was the numbering of the pieces of the narrator's consciousness; by elevating the abstract to the concrete you create interesting irony.

"Write drunk, edit sober" - isn't that a Bukowski quote? Good shit. Words I live by too.

I like the first verse and the first 4 lines of the second verse. After that, I lose track of you're saying here -

"as I inhale the intoxicating
smoke of ambition
and once I exhale
the smog of the Boilers of Fear
I die all over again."

Care to explain? Cheers.