Bottomless Ocean

Why thank you!! c:

Cool poem i flower child i enjoyed this one

Thank you so much dear!

I'll be straight up, it's a fairly terrible.

Out of any descriptive word to compliment your piece, the best you've got is 'dunked'? And even still, show don't tell.

Sentences like

"Taste the taste"

are extremely lazy, effortless and bland. Describe the action of tasting, the contracting of the jaw, the grind of teeth between teeth. The dry hoarseness of the throat.

Stop being so painfully lazy and try again, you could re-write this with my suggestions and it'd come off as a solid effort.

Hm, thank you for the honest critique! I will actually attempt to rewrite this better. Thank you so much!

The topic in general is a fascinating one. I was a bit confused with the direction; where you looking at the process of dying, what happens after death, or both. If both the a time sequence might help the reader. (or maybe it was just my limited brain power)

Thank you for commenting!
I was going for after death, although the metaphor of the ocean is supposed to represent what happens immediately after your heart stops! I edited it with your critique in mind too, to make it a bit more clear! Hope you enjoy!

To make this poem a dark poem you would need to describe to us in more detail the way the person died, how their body eroded away and perhaps the taste of death itself? A good first effort though and I look forward to reading your re-write.

Thank you for your critique!
I am trying to incorporate these things into my poem without it taking away its original meaning. I did edit it though! I think I am going to keep on editing it until I am happy with it though!

I thought the poem was pretty good, and I enjoyed the ending.  That was unexpected.  

One thing I didn't like is the phrase
"Your flesh rots against your pale complexion".  I'm not sure what this means, but the time scale seems out of place.  Rotting takes time, the rest of the poem seem instantaneous.

The other thing you can do is review the poem.  It seems to be covering the aspects of death, or awareness of death.  I read it as

Dying
Feeling (sensing)
Breathing
Loss of control / awarness
Taste
Sight
Cold
Brain stops

You can go over this list to see what is redundant and also what is left out.  Some things you may want to add, awarness of the cause of death, memories (good/bad), relationships, loneliness/isolation.  For the sense, you left out hearing and smell, was there a reason?

Another approach is to consider what makes a poem.  What you have here are a list of ideas.  There's not a lot of flow, which is ok.  But, if you want to take the reader from one place to another, you may want to add flow.  Also, should a poem have rhythm / metric?  Should it have rhyme?  Should it lead to a conclusion (which this poem does).  

I still think the poem is good.

This was very helpful, thank you!
I did not even realize I left out hearing and smell, I am going to try and incorporate them!
I did not want to add memories, I was trying to be impersonal, trying to relate to everyone.
The rotting skin, I am gonna take that out.
Again, thank you!

You were trying to be impersonal but you went and gave it a first person point of view?

Impersonal to you is also impersonal to anyone who should be reading it, and if we see it in the first, it's all very 'personal'

Impersonal needs to be the farthest from the reader, so try something in third, there are more things that can be added in then

That's an interesting comment about the 1st and 3rd point of view.  Thanks.

Despite this poem obviously being about death, this poem doesn't seem to have much life...

Ironic, right?

Writing is still writing and should engage the reader, because it is an artistic creation--

And creation should bring about some sort of emotional reaction (something that moves the reader), no matter the subject~

If its about a death, impersonal or otherwise, it can take on a lonely, angry, sad, etc feel.

This just didn't hit any of those marks, this is no where near terrible but there is certainly work to be done~

But it is true that you shouldn't be praised blindly--this poem must be reconstructed (it is your opinion and decisions to take any of these critiques into the next draft.)

Also, what is this poem saying that will make it stand out from every other death poem? At this very moment, it seems like every other half-attempt at the theme, made even more common when the death is throwing whoever reads it into the story--

Sure, it can be impersonal, but where's the back story to this character? If you're going to make it impersonal, then whatever can be experienced while reading the poem will certainly draw the reader in (no matter the back story,)

The ending bit is something of a original idea, but that is about it.

Sure, giving the dead an identity takes away the  'impersonal' properties you'd like to head towards...

But giving some sort of originality will also help make it seem less cut-and-dry and make it mean something to someone~

By no means should you write just for a crowd--if all you're doing here is crafting our critiques into the story and not using your own thoughts (because a will to make is there, it made this poem, didn't it?), then I'm not sure you're writing for the right reasons~

If something anyone says doesn't seem right, like how the poem should go, or what should be changed, then don't pay any attention to them~

Just like advice, only take critiquer words as far as you would like them to go~

Get to work~ I want to come back and gain inspiration from this, newly-revised~

I revised it, keeping your critique in mind but also standing by what I wanted! Check it out?

The revision was very lovely, it expands the story with each added detail~

Lovely~

Very lovely~

Wow!!!  Fantastic revision.  Could you help edit some of my poems....    
 
I actually started crying as I was reading it on the first pass.  Just a few words added brought so much more into it.  Wow (again).  
 
Here's some observations.  
 
The first half of the poem is very powerful, and also the ending.  The few lines before the ending seem to be at a different tempo, but that may be ok.  
 
Should the 2 dots be 3?  
 
I have a little trouble with the tongue phrase, for two reasons.  First, it seems to connect to the previous phrase, but the previous phrase ends with a 2 dot pause in it which tends to separate it.  So, I'm a little confused.  But second, now that you've added people in the room, and the circumstances, seems like the person dying would try to say something, and maybe the tongue won't cooperate.  On the other hand, the last line gives good closure, so maybe there wasn't a chance to speak.  Not everything has to be clear in a poem, so feel free to ignore this comment.  Or, maybe add something like "tongue fluttered silently (or soundlessly)"  
 
The eyes being sealed forever doesn't seem to fit the transitory nature of the poem.  Forever is a long time for things that seem to be happening in real time.  Also, I think people die with their eyes open, and they have to be closed, or at least that's the way tv showed it...  
 
To me, you have a lot going on here.  I would do two things.  One, break it into stanzas, and then maybe add / remove lines so the stanzas are all similar lengths.  And, in my poems, I'm trying to add a refrain, which could work very well here.  The refine can develop parallel to the poem stanzas.  For example, refrain development could be about something offbeat/unexpected, like a refrain about autumn leafs on the tree through the window.  Leaves so colorful.  Then the leafs blow in the breeze.  Then a leaf flutters to the ground.  In the end, the leaf turns to dust.  For an example of parallel refrain development, look at Old Time Love, where the refrain is about songs on the radio, and runs parallel to the stanzas.  
 
OK, I reread again.  In the beginning, the last thing you see is great.  But, you could have the eyes on the next line, something that suggests that part of dying is going blind, maybe something like, the darkness erases the light, or the shadows displace the light, or ....
 
P.S. I'm not a writer, I have no training.  I'm just a guy trying to cope with life's pains by writing...