deepundergroundpoetry.com
Janine
She flaps her gums
Like a flock of birds
A ragtag bunch of misfits made up of assorted species
Sometimes her lips quip with mocking bird flutter
Other times a strong gliding bald eagle
Every word she speaks pollutes my beach
Caught in six-pack plastic as a stymied seagull
Flying with a mouthful of wings
She need not stop and think to consider a destination
Entombed within the nest of self important preservation
Her drinks they spill
A head of helium severing co-ordination's will
Pecking beak gobbles so many pills
Her personality is lost it truly chills
A phalanx of Xanax, Oxycodone and such
She tries to explain that world I refuse to learn much
Sad thing is rather than to just listen
I create a fine art of ignoring
Trying to help
She never wanted to be pulled from her prison
Published 4th Apr 2011
| Edited 5th Apr 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 8
reads 1006
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
4th Apr 2011 11:21pm
The last line is exquisite. The one quibble I have with this piece is the use of commas. The first two disrupt the syntax of their lines so the reader stumbles over them and the others are too sporadic to help the rhythm you've established. With "her drinks they spill, her drinks they spill" I’d suggest you remove the repetition as it doesn't really add anything. Same goes for "many, many".
Other than that this is brilliant. A dark and evocative exploration of a co-dependant relationship with a mentally ill woman who relies on her medication to keep above water. The simile beginning with "like a flock of birds" was simply fantastic.
Other than that this is brilliant. A dark and evocative exploration of a co-dependant relationship with a mentally ill woman who relies on her medication to keep above water. The simile beginning with "like a flock of birds" was simply fantastic.
"co-dependant relationship with a mentally ill woman who relies on her medication to keep above water"
wow i revealed more than i intended
Thank you for the help, i trimmed that which was uneccisary as per suggestion
wow i revealed more than i intended
Thank you for the help, i trimmed that which was uneccisary as per suggestion
Anonymous
4th Apr 2011 11:22pm
I feel underqualified to comment here.. but..
Your metaphors are amazing.
I like how the first part is related to birds.
Playing with the idea of freedom and distraction?
The second to beaches.
Reminds me of the phrase: "Life is a beach", when in this case, that's an ironic statement.
And then the final part ties it together and lets us know what we're talking about.
Lovely poem, strong message. As always.
:]
Your metaphors are amazing.
I like how the first part is related to birds.
Playing with the idea of freedom and distraction?
The second to beaches.
Reminds me of the phrase: "Life is a beach", when in this case, that's an ironic statement.
And then the final part ties it together and lets us know what we're talking about.
Lovely poem, strong message. As always.
:]
4th Apr 2011 11:46pm
4th Apr 2011 11:42pm
5th Apr 2011 00:13am
Excellent metaphors sad story..exceptionally written..I feel for you DY..peace Crim
"Sad thing is rather than to just listen /I create a fine art of ignoring /Trying to help/She never wanted to be pulled from her prison "
This could have as well been about somebody haunted by multiple personalities inside his or her mind, the author having two personalities aware of each others' existence and one of them actually narrating these lines..while the other keeps drugging itself and polluting the body and mind (beach..is it some line separating these two?)these personalities dwell in.
Great work.
This could have as well been about somebody haunted by multiple personalities inside his or her mind, the author having two personalities aware of each others' existence and one of them actually narrating these lines..while the other keeps drugging itself and polluting the body and mind (beach..is it some line separating these two?)these personalities dwell in.
Great work.
Anonymous
5th Apr 2011 3:56am
<< post removed >>
