I loved you most days

my mother, a stern breeze before the storm, most days  
she is kind, loving, understanding  
only every day not near those I truly needed  
   
she, a volatile concoction one part sugar and spice, ninety eight parts scorned  
too many times a kid torn, he never knew rhymes could ring true  
   
the times I saw her flip, sharply  
a woman casting out, she dare try anything to spur you  
fasting on empathy, her duress, self righteous breath  
defines love to me  
it wasn't seen by a heart but through gritted teeth  
I knew most days she loved me  
   
I loved my mother  
morals, dreams placed in glass  
kneaded by her hands    
faced me on days my eyes could not  
love fought hard times  
disdain caught, wrapped in reverb of good memories  
   
understandingly, I reprieved her  
time and time again  
that having been said  
I loved her most days  
   
she trained to deal with shitty hands, stories  
of the pains she felt ingrained, to make the best of it  
through things one shouldn't have to, she did away  
   
  (her father’s bond, defiled touch of ill-gotten love  
   a husband more abrasive then her family’s spurs  
   she claimed these would never change her  
   acts that through it all would fail her)  
   
and I knew it all, the man whom she saw in me  
an apathy of my chemistry to spur duress    
her love painted targets on my chest  
   
the wrath let out as waves of all the tears held in  
her broke bones, to words weld wounds never there  
unknowingly they still hurt her  
   
never would you see it  
the veins that held her in, broken skin, numb  
and too strong for my disdain to seep through  
there were more times I felt in her past than she knew  
   
if you were to ever read this  
know, you taught me to see past it all  
times I wanted to give it back  
as good as you ever brought your shit, I didn't  
you taught me to walk away, to watch what I say  
that those you love, you hurt the most  
 
 
as all these days past by  
when my child inside asked why  
never did you think I didn't love you  
I didn't want you to, even though  
I only loved you most days  
I don't love you today, goodbye