My Silent Prayers

He will never be sorry for what he has taken for me
He will never ask for forgiveness for what he has done
Or get on his knees and repent
He will never acknowledge that I am being condemned
He will never acknowledge the sins we have committed
If He really loved me he would beg for my forgiveness
As I beg for my saviors
I could never see what we did as a sin because we were in love
Well love is patient, and love is kind
And most of all love is not selfish
When I said Stop, When I begged no, when I cried to him
He was selfish. He was self-seeking
I will forever have to ask God what the hell happened
Because I thought he loved me
And I thought it was okay he was 18
And I thought it was okay I was 13
And I thought he knew no meant no
And I thought he was sorry
And everyone thought I needed to accept responsibility for what I’d done
But I thought to myself
I don’t even know what I did
Did I give my virginity away, or was it taken
I was- I am- confused lord
And I want to find refuge in someone, but what will they say
I’ve heard it’s my fault because I agreed at first
I consented to my body being objectified
As his personal pleasure
And then did not consent to my body being torn
They say I did it to myself
Like he was a razor and I took him to my skin
If anything he was a razor, and now I’m cut within
And that’s metaphorical and literal as well
Because He ripped my heart to shreds
And He literally damaged me
I’m coming to my God now because I don’t know what else to do
I may not be the most Christian-like but I know you have to be there
And I don’t even care what the People will say
Because I have my God and they have theirs
And we have our stories
And they have theirs
And he had his and me and him
We had ours
And I miss him, is that wrong
And I forgave him, is that wrong
I can ask for your forgiveness, dear god
But can I ask for understanding
Even Jesus once spared a whore
He said cast the first stone
But I have thrown mine, and they have thrown theirs
And it’s unfair to ask
But please don’t throw yours
I just want to understand, though I did something wrong
I’m just so confused
I sometimes feel you’ve given up on me
But I’m sorry for my sin, because It was my fault
And I pray for him, because he doesn’t understand what it is that he’s done
He raped me, I think
Amen.