Why, As Opposed to Why Not

A short pondering of life...

All my life I’ve been acting like I had something to prove to other people. Like I wasn't good enough and that I had to prove myself worthy. I’ve often questioned myself about that. But I think I’ve had a realization today. Yes I have been acting like I had to prove something to everybody. But what was it that I felt like I had to prove? I believe it was my social insecurities. I wanted to “fit in” like everybody does nowadays. It’s such a cliche thing to want, but I wanted it. I was never a popular one in school. I was deemed the weird one, the outcast, “that guy”. So naturally I craved and yearned for acceptance. I guess I tried to go the funny route, and for the most part it kind of worked, but I was still weird. But to somebody like me, that was ok. I was at least partially accepted.

So why is it then that I still feel like I need acceptance? I grew up and realized that the world doesn’t give a damn. If you laugh the world laughs with you, if you cry you cry alone. So I’ve trained myself to harden myself and take life on as it comes. I’m still referred to as “that guy”. I guess I’ve built myself in a shell of something that I don’t really want to know. Perhaps it is because of this that I cannot hold on to relationships. Perhaps it is because of this that I cannot have a special person to hold onto like so many people today have. What I crave most I cannot have because I have exiled myself from it. It is not anybodies fault but entirely my own. But why have I done this? I cannot help but question myself over and over churning out the same answer. I simply do not know.

Maybe this is why I constantly think of myself as a sad, sad person. Living in the dark away from others and wondering why I’m not out there like everybody else. The ‘normal people’. It is entirely my fault, my problem, and I have to live with the consequences. What do I do?

They say confidence is key in all situations, but especially so in these types. Well a lot of good that’s done me. Sure I may have confidence in my abilities or skill in something, but for what I want the most, I cannot gather up enough strength or courage to give me the confidence necessary. Maybe I’m afraid? Most likely so. Afraid of the aftermath consequences. I have confidence in myself even in social situations. People enjoy my presence, yet I’m still “that guy”. The one that everybody consults but doesn’t want to be with on a closer interpersonal level. It is this fact that makes me very very sad.
A lot of people would say “well it’s your fault, you have to take the initiative and can’t expect everybody to come flocking to you”. Well what they say is true in fact, but they must think of the flip side of the coin. Why doesn’t the other person take initiative. Surely they must be in a similar situation as me. Why am I forced to go through the initiative when the opposite person is just the same? The answer is never simple. This is an answer to a question I may not know for a long while, or perhaps even ever. I may be thinking a bit pessimistic here when I say that even if I did take initiative, my reputation and overall general presence and appearance is not exactly one that sparks hot fiery lust or soft gentle love in anybodies heart or mind. I feel I’m just beyond redemption, which is obviously a lie, but I still feel like that nonetheless.

I very much want to have a special somebody, but from the looks of my situation, it looks like I may not be finding that one any time soon. But who knows. Time can only tell.