What have become..what have I done?

This dark cloud hangs over my head
 raining and the rain Is growing colder  
this heavy boulder is stuck on my shoulders
 weighing me down tearing me to the ground  
my soul grows older so worn out from all I've  
seen eyes gone blind from images so frightening  
lightning flashes my heart and mind clashes like  
hurricanes and tornados lost in this worst case  
scenario my mind plays tricks on my eyes and my  
eyes play tricks on me and I tried to hide the fact that  
I can barely breathe but the hard pressure of this situation  
is starting to weigh its decisions down on me..choking lost  
consciousness OD on some pills again lost it all lost by sin im
losing it feeling sick to my stomach kickstart my heart to make
it cease to just feel again I'm addicted to this sadness bottled up  
and in pill form its my cyanide happiness but what am I doing  
it for..for its  killing me from the inside out pain throbs through
my body somebody tell me I'm alright that it's just a nightmare
and that I can make it through the night without the itch the need
to use to get as high as the man on the moon mind clouded by  
smoke and feeling strong off the painkillers that run through my  
system I'm systematically hooked to the feeling that this gives its  
uncontrolled but inexcusably direct with what I'm doing and how
I feel I'm an addict I'm addicted to this rush lips brushed against  
the forbidden fruit oh you know I had to steal just a taste just a  
touch had to tango with the devil got myself hooked and now I'm  
fighting back demons I'm afraid of this I'm afraid to look at where  
my life is headed is there a way back I'm afraid of myself I'm just
a lowlife crook a junkie a fucking disease at least that's what I see
when my reflection stares back at me through shattered glass I'm  
broken a ghost trapped in limbo with an unescapable past my fathers
image is my own or at least that's what they've always said I'm my  
fathers son he's a piece of shit so now I see where I get those genes
from mother raised me mothers baby but mother never knew of the  
monster she was raising that one day I would do drugs and eventually  
go crazy and try to take the life that she gave me she worked so hard  
to give me everything she could I just tossed it aside watched it burn  
right before my eyes  and threw it all away as if it wasn't good enough  
god I'm so selfish what have I done regret burns in deep  like rocks on  
skin and scorches in the sun with each breath I'm taking my heart keeps
racing what have I done? what am I doing? I'm loading the gun but am i  
planning on shooting? My mind is struggling barely choosing the right  
choice to make should I die or do live I need the right path to take I'm the  
fault line In this emotional earthquake I'm crumbling fast I fall I wake to  
find my hands covered in blood my body on the floor I'm watching  
myself die  I reach out to save me but something is In my way something
I can't get passed something I should have realized before that I'm  
killing myself this i cant believe I'm just the broken reflection of the  
man used to be and nothing more