deepundergroundpoetry.com
Light Switch (The best thing I ever did.)
Back here
after a year
between the socks and toys
and joints. Our joints not spliffs.
We go out
like the light switch,
from a home,
in an electrical explosion.
We burst
our fiery flames across
the dimly lit street
for as long as we may
until gently we run
into shadows.
Oblivious to the other
we could walk past each other
and not feel the flames.
Two shadows
crawling streets
and screaming names
to come for wisdom and safety
and comfort. Comfort in reassurance, not in our way.
We dance under starlight
but it's never as bright. We sit
in their company
but it's never as fun. We try
as we might but we don't set alight
the way we once used to,
as we did in an electrical explosion,
from a light switch,
from a house, together.
[/font]
after a year
between the socks and toys
and joints. Our joints not spliffs.
We go out
like the light switch,
from a home,
in an electrical explosion.
We burst
our fiery flames across
the dimly lit street
for as long as we may
until gently we run
into shadows.
Oblivious to the other
we could walk past each other
and not feel the flames.
Two shadows
crawling streets
and screaming names
to come for wisdom and safety
and comfort. Comfort in reassurance, not in our way.
We dance under starlight
but it's never as bright. We sit
in their company
but it's never as fun. We try
as we might but we don't set alight
the way we once used to,
as we did in an electrical explosion,
from a light switch,
from a house, together.
[/font]
Published 20th Mar 2011
| Edited 21st Mar 2011
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Anonymous
20th Mar 2011 7:56pm
The structure of this is interesting, and there are some great images, but the syntax is really confusing at times.
"We burst our firey flames across the dimly lit street for as long as we may until gently we run away into the shadows. Oblvious to the other we could walk past each other and not feel the flames."
First of all you spelt "fiery" and "oblivious" wrong, but they're minor typos, of course. The problem here is that I can't quite grasp what you're trying to convey. When you talk about the lovers bursting their flames, it makes one feel as though they do it as one, together, this great glorious piece of symbolism. But then in the next sentence you have them calmly passing each other on the street. The juxtaposition comes out of left field and threw me.
"We try as we might but we can never set alight the way we do"
This line contradicts itself. We can't do what we do? How about "the way we once did" instead?
I think the problem may be that you're trying too hard to be lyrical, and in doing so make the poem so dense that it sometimes can't be understood. The verses between the brief prose segments are wonderful. Short and crisp and snappy, muscular and sharp. I suggest you try making said segments like that. Break them down into short staccato lines that stick with one theme and take it to its logical conclusion.
With a bit of work this poem could be fantastic.
"We burst our firey flames across the dimly lit street for as long as we may until gently we run away into the shadows. Oblvious to the other we could walk past each other and not feel the flames."
First of all you spelt "fiery" and "oblivious" wrong, but they're minor typos, of course. The problem here is that I can't quite grasp what you're trying to convey. When you talk about the lovers bursting their flames, it makes one feel as though they do it as one, together, this great glorious piece of symbolism. But then in the next sentence you have them calmly passing each other on the street. The juxtaposition comes out of left field and threw me.
"We try as we might but we can never set alight the way we do"
This line contradicts itself. We can't do what we do? How about "the way we once did" instead?
I think the problem may be that you're trying too hard to be lyrical, and in doing so make the poem so dense that it sometimes can't be understood. The verses between the brief prose segments are wonderful. Short and crisp and snappy, muscular and sharp. I suggest you try making said segments like that. Break them down into short staccato lines that stick with one theme and take it to its logical conclusion.
With a bit of work this poem could be fantastic.
20th Mar 2011 8:24pm
Thank you, had a go with the simple edits. Lost my spell checker which is a bit sad I know but I'm quick with my fingers so I slip up more. Anyway, enough of that ramble. :) Thanks, Jack.
22nd Mar 2011 3:41am
I think the moment you have captured doesn't seems dim at all in the luminiscence of your script.
I appreciate the fire-fly style, frequently glittering and highlighting the moments which is past now and the way esp you have finished on a dull note, as if the switching off the light switch for sometime. I pray you come again with a sequel for the same.
I appreciate the fire-fly style, frequently glittering and highlighting the moments which is past now and the way esp you have finished on a dull note, as if the switching off the light switch for sometime. I pray you come again with a sequel for the same.
22nd Mar 2011 10:30am
