deepundergroundpoetry.com
Behind Closed Doors
People do bad things
when behind closed doors.
If the walls had
both eyes and ears,
would the house
still like you?
Would the house
even trust you?
Would you trust
your own house,
or get buried in
all your secrets?
when behind closed doors.
If the walls had
both eyes and ears,
would the house
still like you?
Would the house
even trust you?
Would you trust
your own house,
or get buried in
all your secrets?
Published 1st May 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 2
reads 639
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
1st May 2014 9:02pm
<< post removed >>
2nd May 2014 00:52am
You have an interesting topic here, with a unique twist. Instead of simply taking the 'if the walls could talk' idea, you have gone one step further in anthropomorphizing the walls/house by asking how they would like the reader. I love it!
I think this is a great core, but needs some revision to expand it into a clearer, stronger piece. Right now it seems more like a series of questions instead of a poem; even though It asks a great probing question, it doesn't do so in an artistic, rhythmic, and/or rhyming way.
I hope this helps, I don't want to tear apart your work because I'm sure you will make this a great poem. If I had to guess about it though, I would say that you realized you had a great idea, great introspective questions from a unique angle, and you quickly wrote them in and submitted the poem to claim your stake on the idea before someone else could do it and steal your thunder.. Am I right? We all do it. ;) but that's what these critique forums are for, to kick us in the butt and remind us that with patience and care, our work will come out more beautiful.
And if I'm wrong and you did spend quite a bit of time on this poem, please don't be offended. As I said before, the core of your poem, the main concept, is a great one and that clearly came from some very imaginative and creative part of you that I know you can draw upon to make an excellent final draft. ;) I wish you all of the best!
I think this is a great core, but needs some revision to expand it into a clearer, stronger piece. Right now it seems more like a series of questions instead of a poem; even though It asks a great probing question, it doesn't do so in an artistic, rhythmic, and/or rhyming way.
I hope this helps, I don't want to tear apart your work because I'm sure you will make this a great poem. If I had to guess about it though, I would say that you realized you had a great idea, great introspective questions from a unique angle, and you quickly wrote them in and submitted the poem to claim your stake on the idea before someone else could do it and steal your thunder.. Am I right? We all do it. ;) but that's what these critique forums are for, to kick us in the butt and remind us that with patience and care, our work will come out more beautiful.
And if I'm wrong and you did spend quite a bit of time on this poem, please don't be offended. As I said before, the core of your poem, the main concept, is a great one and that clearly came from some very imaginative and creative part of you that I know you can draw upon to make an excellent final draft. ;) I wish you all of the best!
