Sorrowful-Sadness

The demons i struggle with are the demons that will be my undoing.
will they lead me into eternal damnation?
life hurts.
death is bliss.
only way to ease the hopelessness is by admitting,i struggle with sin.
i don't want my demons to win.
the begin of sin is within.
in my own personal hell is where this madness,all this sin has been.
darkness is where i live.
love is all i have left to give.
my bottomless abyss,where my suffering conjures up all these ideas of pure sadness,pure shyte.
I'm very apologetic for all the hurt i've caused to family & friends.
even though i'm all messed up mentally.
i pray you all will have enough love in your heart to forgive me.
please forgive me.
i'd rather have your forgiveness over any amounts of money.
sometimes i feel lost and forgotten.
i fear those things more than most.
i have hurt so many.
i deserve excommunication from everyone i've hurt.
i look on my past.
watching old home videos over 20 yrs old.
and the way i was,i realize what a dumb ass i was.
i regret the lies,the thievery,the everything.
i hurt so bad with all this pain i have within',that if i didn't have Jesus in my heart,i would take my life just to escape,just to rid my body of all the pain i feel.
those that know me find it hard to believe i actually have such feelings as these.
for i never expressed such feelings to anyone.
now,after reading this,i know i am painting a reality picture of myself.
why?
i know why.
but i don't understand why.
why my family cannot forgive me for whatever i may have done in the past.
i haven't seen nor spoken to my father in over 4 yrs.
I MISS MY FATHER.
i fear i may not see or speak with my father in this lifetime.
i cry.
i cry many days.
sometimes i feel death approaching.
it's just not quite time,and death backs away from me!!