My Thoughts

i feel the water fall before my eyez.
i see my life as i'm staring through my rear view.
things have got to change within my soul as well as my mind.
i am not a happy person sadness consumes my soul.
the loss of my loved ones has left me shell shocked.
everytime i try to dig myself out of this pit i've gotten myself into,things happen,negative things that i have done,that come back to haunt me.

my life of sin,my self destruction,the lies,the thievery,the deception,just so much wrong that i've done that i'm tryin' to write out, if that is possible.
will they forgive me the ones that i've wronged?
lord,please have mercy on my sinful soul.
i'm losing touch with the ones i know now for they see and are tired of dealing my conflicting personalities.
i cannot recall the last time i was truly happy in life,lord.
i wish i knew.
i seek redemption lord.
i wish i knew why my father dis-likes me so.
does he hate me?
does he think the same as i?
when i say i wish i never was born or they killed me when i was born.
i can't comprehend the meaning,lord.
i love my father all so very much.
i would lay my life down without question for any of my family members or friends.
i seek salvation of love.
for i need love.
my mom,my grandmother were the only people in my life that acknowledged that they loved me.
now that their both gone,i don't get that assurance anymore.
i am weak my lord.
my soul,my mind are so damn tired.
lord,is my life of conflict a test?
oh,lord i wish i knew.
god help me,i feel i am losing my sanity,i cannot bare to live in drama,drama that i have created and allowed myself to be a part of.
please god.
loss of loved ones has plagued my very well being.
my thought process is not so good.
ignorance and low self esteem has gotten the best of me.
i hate my life and the way i live.
my friends that are in my life know of my wicked wayz,my immoral thuggish acts.
i believe that everything you do bad comes back to you.
so,everything that i do that's bad,i'm going to suffer for it.
i have my demons,they are the ones that bring out the thug in me,the crazy in me,the crudeness and vulgar.
i'm trying to better myself and it is so hard.
it's like someone trying to quit smoking that has been doing it for 30 years.
well,i just have alot of work ahead of myself to get my mind and life together.
my  faithful friends,i know it has been a struggle dealing and putting up with my shit.
all i ask is that you have patience and allow me time to better myself for you see that i am trying.
i thank you all for being my friends.
i love you all.
so,keep praying for me,i believe things will get better in time.