Journey through- rain

It  is not so much starting these things. It is about continuity and stamina for the long haul and eventual completion.  Starting is easy.  The germ of the idea grows and eventually for lack of nourishment fails to exten its life force into a fully flredged plant.  Why is this?

The strange thing is that for as long as I can remember I feel so un full.  There is part of me that is constanly searchingfor somethingand it even haunts my nights .  What is the journey of life meant to be about?  What is it I should be achieving.

There really is no one answer to this  and of course it is not your answer or a generic construct.  It will always be my own individual tailored deviation from the norm.

Many people just accept the flow of time and where the stream of life takes them.  In all reality we do not really have a choice in the matter but we can choose to push and bend the future to forge slightly alternative outcomes that would otherwise be accepted.  Ambition and greed and the quest for material items is all part of this push and certainly sorts the wheat from the chaf.

What am I then?  Am I greedy?  Am I ambitious?  The circumstances of my life have sort of put limits on both of these so that neither really apply yet there is something with in me that constantly questions the reality of and my validity within the framework of life.  

It would be easier for me simply to digest the past and accept a future yet there is something with in me that will not stop trying and indeed hoping.  The oddest thing is that when I tyoe these words a sense of who I am comes through from the deepest core fabric of the mind and I am ultimately exhilerated.  There is a sense of magic as the fingers dance to portray the mindflow.  Perhaps this is in fact part of my purpose and certainly part of me.

The rain absolutely pours down today.  There is nothing more to do than to eat chocolate, drink coffee and spill words onto the page.  I am always reluctant to start the  process as doubt creeps into my being as to who is really interested in my journey and my thoughts.  I believe the benefit is very mus\ch in the telling and if someone beyond myself retains or sustains any substance from these words then this is purely a plus.

Yesterday was also a miserable rain strewn day and I was very oppressed emotionally but today I stepped outside in my pyjamas and felt the pure wonder of the weather against my bare torso.  The rain dripped from my hair and I simply felt this overpowering childlike pleasure flow threw me.  The child wanted to splash in the puddlesand laugh and sing.  I stood for a long time feeling the thrill of elemental ecstasy.  While so many people were escaping the rain I was standing there half naked embracing each and every drop.  I realized we have the ability to open ourselves to the thrill of something as simple as being drenched by rain or closing the door and crawling into ourselves.  Part of this is perhaps dictated to us by society.   This is the way we SHOULD feel....closed and miserable  and attempting to stay dry.  

The smile grows inside as I remember how old I am yet the child inside is still very proximal to the surfaceHowever this is a two bladed sword, while the excitement is just there it is also possible that the hurt is close as well.  I know for a fact that my skin is not very thick and things people say can hurt deeply..  

It is very odd actuallyto understand that this is who we are if we choose to simply be this way.  For a long time I have been closed.  I still go back there from time to time as it has been a large part of my person for many years.  When I got sick as a child and came out of hospital unable to walk, talk see or hear I knew that I would never be the same again.  I knew that people would not desire to know me as it was too difficult to communicate with me.  I knew only one road to loneliness.