deepundergroundpoetry.com
stand
there is a simple idea in my head;
an idea of strength
to love
and be loved
as a young man being strong was being able to fight
always hit early
always hit hard
the best
and most reliable
kind of steel
is not pure
has had other things added
at just the right time
and so bends without breaking
I feared that being sober
would make me weak
not true
I stand in front of life
feet solid on the ground
straight backed
not one lie
within or without
not steel
no
much stronger than that
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likes 15
reading list entries 4
comments 18
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The author encourages honest critique.
Re: stand
3rd Mar 2014 00:01am
Hemi this is like a battle cry to me pounding in my mind.. I wish to be sober like you stronger than steel.. you to me are like Hemingway a 1% tile in honest truth telling writing I wish I could be so honest when most my poems come reality mixed with fantasy.. maybe i'll open up when sober.. I digress you invigorate and give me hope with your writing.. as well as always taking me on a journey not seen through these eyes.. thank you with respect Crim
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re: Re: stand
3rd Mar 2014 00:08am
Ah crim....this is really the dodgiest kind of writing; me processing through a stage of my life, and writing it down as I go...the rest you see and feel is all you baby :-)
Good on you for feeling these pieces Crim....plenty left to say and do :-)
hh
Good on you for feeling these pieces Crim....plenty left to say and do :-)
hh
Re: stand
I thumbed up the your comment.. though what is dodgiest to you is strength and self awareness to others but I know you hold yourself to the highest standards.. you inspire me to dig deeper if I dare.. with love and so much respect Crim
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Re: stand
3rd Mar 2014 2:10am
re: Re: stand
3rd Mar 2014 3:29am
Re: stand
3rd Mar 2014 2:37am
Hemi,
kind of knew this one was coming, its a lot more concise and structured, speaking of, I think one of the things that help this poem's merit is your use of space, it helps the reader to digest the stanzas at a nice pace, because there's a fair bit to be digested. I think we've discussed space a couple of times, but seeing (or reading) helps to concrete a better understanding of it's actual or practical power.
of any one line sticks out it would be 'the reverse is true' it's not that it doesn't make sense, can't quite put my finger on it, but thought I'd mind fuck you with it anyway :)
a pleasure to read as per, and a fine addition to Hemi, the chronicles
shine on m'man
kind of knew this one was coming, its a lot more concise and structured, speaking of, I think one of the things that help this poem's merit is your use of space, it helps the reader to digest the stanzas at a nice pace, because there's a fair bit to be digested. I think we've discussed space a couple of times, but seeing (or reading) helps to concrete a better understanding of it's actual or practical power.
of any one line sticks out it would be 'the reverse is true' it's not that it doesn't make sense, can't quite put my finger on it, but thought I'd mind fuck you with it anyway :)
a pleasure to read as per, and a fine addition to Hemi, the chronicles
shine on m'man
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re: Re: stand
3rd Mar 2014 3:33am
Eamon, you bastard and your bastard yes....that line wore on me as well, but couldn't see a way around it...have tweaked the words around it to try to make it a better line...dubious improvement :-)
As for the gaps/spaces, in this each grouping is supposed to be its own smaller piece, summing to make a whole, so the breaks are there for the digesting...not sure if it turned out how I planned...the pieces were going to be less literal, but I should have known better than try that anyway :-)
Good on you sticking with me through this part of the chronicles....will get back to the car-fanging and honest pursuit of a disreputable women just as soon as I can :-)
h.
As for the gaps/spaces, in this each grouping is supposed to be its own smaller piece, summing to make a whole, so the breaks are there for the digesting...not sure if it turned out how I planned...the pieces were going to be less literal, but I should have known better than try that anyway :-)
Good on you sticking with me through this part of the chronicles....will get back to the car-fanging and honest pursuit of a disreputable women just as soon as I can :-)
h.
re: re: Re: stand
5th Mar 2014 10:42am
if we're looking for a voice-appropriate alternative to "the reverse is true", my tuppence suggests "it doesn't" [:
well, well! i am happier than Larry (whomever he is) to see this piece. it's concise, it's empowering, it lifts chests from level to...up. i like the layout and the best bit is that it's another stage, another beginning in the big picture story (as Eamonn said, 'the chronicles'). you do not cease to tingle my appreciation gland, dear Hem. [:
well, well! i am happier than Larry (whomever he is) to see this piece. it's concise, it's empowering, it lifts chests from level to...up. i like the layout and the best bit is that it's another stage, another beginning in the big picture story (as Eamonn said, 'the chronicles'). you do not cease to tingle my appreciation gland, dear Hem. [:
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re: re: re: Re: stand
6th Mar 2014 4:15am
Re: stand
3rd Mar 2014 11:15am
a different format for you, like a series of short bursts from my old M16, w/a mule-kick impact at the close...
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re: Re: stand
11th Mar 2014 6:43am
Re: stand
6th Mar 2014 10:26pm
.
.
love how you give words a purpose beyond their
"regular" meaning.
still-a-fan
.
.
.
love how you give words a purpose beyond their
"regular" meaning.
still-a-fan
.
.
0
re: Re: stand
11th Mar 2014 6:43am
Re: stand
21st Mar 2014 9:13pm
I'm with CraicDealer on the "the reverse is true" line. For me it says weak makes you sober, which is not what you meant. I suggest using "the opposite is true" to say that being sober makes you strong.
"not one lie within or without" Knowing a little of your 'story' I find that line fascinating. Charged and full of promise ... one that might be kept. I'm stoked for you, that you're exploring this subject, doing it with such impact on the page and in your life. Nice work, man.
"not one lie within or without" Knowing a little of your 'story' I find that line fascinating. Charged and full of promise ... one that might be kept. I'm stoked for you, that you're exploring this subject, doing it with such impact on the page and in your life. Nice work, man.
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re: Re: stand
24th Mar 2014 3:20am
Re: stand
5th May 2014 1:28am
re: Re: stand
30th May 2014 11:17pm