Love Spell

Very Nice !!

Very nice...BUT
I'm Norse Pagan so as for an actual Love Spell,
some of the Choice words you used though powerful
would rather bring her to your arms on her Deathbed.
Words such as
"And in this cauldron stir with love  
Feather of raven  
Feather of Dove "
Raven and Dove are almost Never used together
for their opposite natures, Black Ravens may be Lucky to own, are messengers of Afterlife and
Doves of existing-life are Unlucky to own.
I suggest White Raven Feather it means Rebirth or coming of a New Soul.
Now last is the "some turpentine" thing.
Turpentine is Paint Remover(pure Poison to people),
I suggest changing it to "some Concentrate of Clementine".
Clementines are the worlds second sweetest Orange, the First being the Blood Orange.

P.S. Do Capitalize the first letter of the Ingredients it's a little sloppy and Disrespectful to the Brilliance of the Poem.

Ok thanks. I was thinkin about changing it anyway. It ddnt feel right.Now i know why. Guess id make a lousy wizard huh lol Thanks for the help.

No problem, i must admit it's not easy.
Even i don't know too much, it's a life study.
It's a great poem.

Baeutiful poem ... So I'd say..

Love this, so sweet and romantic. Outstanding ink!
-Lissie

aww shucks :) thanks

Loved it...very beautiful !! :)

I'm happy i stumbled upon this!
Majestic & Sexy!
All the words are bound so beautifully & sweet!!
Loved & Enjoyed reading=).

Powerful, eloquent and very engrossing, the flow of this piece was smooth and deliciously serene.Thank you for sharing it.

Red

Much appreciated! thanks for adding to your list. im honored :)

this is amazing, it went straight to the heart!

When you mentioned in your reply to my other comment that you were publishing your poems, I was intrigued and thought I would see what else you're working on. Here is another critique for you, per your request.

This is another brilliant work of words. I particularly enjoy that at a few places the reader would expect a more common (cheesy) rhyming word, you didn't take that route. For example, you wrote "to dispel the darkness of doubt from my heart" but the rhyming word paired for that line was "spark", not "apart." Nice!


In the part where you say
"Sweet as the smell of scented oil
Ever to blossom never to spoil",
I recommend flip-flopping those two lines so that the blossom part acts as the transition from the image of soil, a fruiting tree/plant, to blossoming to fragrant oil....make sense?

I wasn't sure what you meant by "so mote it be" but the syllables made for a good rhythm here and I like that you repeated that line (even if I am lost by it). If it's supposed to be short for "remote," consider an apostrophe to show the truncation of the word.

Also, I'm not sure that "supernal" is really a word, did you mean supernatural? You may want to change it, but even if you don't the context and the word's shorter length carried it through nicely and I gathered the essence of your meaning even if it's a made up word.


I think Joshua had some great insight for you. It's a little tricky because you appear to have edited the poem since then, so I can't relate to some of what he was critiquing (such as the turpentine) but  it seems that he offered you great advice, you took it, and it resulted in a strong(er) poem.

Thanks again. strong advice. As for the "Sweet as the smell of scented oil/Ever to blossom never to spoil",  part i think ill leave it as is because it does have the transition from the soil, to bringing forth the fruits and its a sweet smell, and it keeps blossoming.. plus the way its pronounced theres a slight pause on ever to blossom never to spoil.. i think it rolls off the tongue better that way.  
   
(wikepedia quote)  
"So mote it be" is a ritual phrase used by Freemasons, in Rosicrucianism, and more recently by Neopagans. It means "so may it be",or "so must it be", and may be said at the end of a prayer in a similar way to "amen". I am neither of those but i sensed it had a magical type feel to it. so if people were coonfused they could easily do some research and find out im not making words up out of the blue lol.  
   
also: su·per·nal  
adjective literary  
of or relating to the sky or the heavens; celestial.  
of exceptional quality or extent.  
"he is the supernal poet of our age"  
-google

   
Thanks a lot for the help

that was so amazing! to see the passion you put in took a lot of hard work from you! I thought it was magical. I was swept away! I still havnt fallen down!

Thanks i wanted this to feel like a real love spell.. and from what i understand about magic it may very well be.. although im not sure its worked for me just yet..thanks for adding me

no prob. i couldnt stop myself after i read tht!

As a true Witch myself (or Wiccan, or Pagan if you prefer those terms), I can attest to the real way this poem flows in very much a spell-like manner. It is perfectly prepared, in fact, and even more perfectly worded for just that sort of effect! The reality of the poem as a spell is quite ideally conveyed, as I noted in my comment below too. Love it! ;)

Being something of an enchantress myself (at least according to some *Tee-hee-hee!*)... I found this poem to be quite awesomely penned. It has the proper structure and verbal power of a spell, something I myself am quite familiar with. I've posted more than a few spell poems myself over the years! And the structure and flow is all part of the power of the work... and the working, so to speak. And few spells are more powerful than those that deal with love! Love lends all things power, and magic that deals with love itself is powerful by its' very nature. And that's how this poem flows... powerfully, eloquently, beautifully, and with true magic in every word! This is the second poem by this author I've read tonight and thoroughly enjoyed. A talented soul indeed! :D

Powerful, and brilliant.. love the flow..


Dave

Love this piece beautifully amazingly written :)