Eternal Sadness

Sometimes,
I feel a depression so deep
It feels as if these clouds will not fade
The energy I once possessed
Along with everything else
Drains
Like a river gone dry
Only to reveal the bottom
That's a solid blanket of mud and rocks

There's no simple fix
No sudden relief
There's no clear way to fixate happiness back into my veins
Whist extracting the sadness
I cannot rewire my brain to feel again

I walk through life like a blind man
Unable to feel anything
I could describe to you
The way my heart feels numb
and caged
Like it's been locked away
So no one could further break it
Or even mend it

I could describe to you
The way my hands grasp at the rope
Tugging me into a peaceful death
Only to bring on a battle;

My body is aching and tired
As if it has fought a millions wars from my bed
But my silenced heart
Has a flicker of hope
Which keeps my feet on the ground
And my hands at my sides

I could describe to you
The way I've memorized my suicide notes
Or the mornings that are too unbearable to get through
Or the number of people
Who tell me to "just suck it up"
This isn't something I can suck up
It controls every part of me
Every action
Every feeling
Every touch
I cut off all my ties to being happy
So that I'm trapped into this lifestyle

A lifestyle where every goodbye
Feels like dirt being tossed onto my coffin
Burying me deeper and deeper into the soil
And deeper and deeper into the back of someones mind;
Only to be forgotten for good
With no legacy to carry on