Nighttime.

Lying here all alone,
restless nights,
clouded thoughts..
Seems like at night is the only time my mind is at ease
when I can finally put the world on pause and just let my mind roam..
Roam to those places I ignore when I'm trying to keep it together in the faces of everyone else
roam to the depths of my mind where I pushed all my pain so far back
to the places where I hide all my fears and sorrows
I put on this show for the world..
Chin up
eyes dry
smile big I remind myself can't let people see you down.
But what happens when you can't be strong anymore?
I feel like all the burden I'm carrying is just dragging me down
breaking me
tearing me to pieces.
I used to have the warmest feeling inside
Now?
Now I look in the mirror and I don't even know the person staring back at me.
I see a beautiful face with blank eyes, and a heavy heart, no love here..
Depression is one hell of a thing
it consumes you from the inside out
you feel like you're crumbling
you're ready to give in cause you see no hope in holding on.
You feel like everyone's looking past you but nobody cares enough to see what you're screaming to the world
nobody cares to see that all you want is a shoulder to cry on
you want to feel like someone
something
you just want someone to SEE you
But maybe you're asking for too much?
I hate going through my days pretending
faking  it till I make it.
Im empty, I'm wounded.
The thought of starting over, a new beginning, frightens me.
I can't bare the feeling of picking up the pieces just for them to fall apart again.
Which way do I go?
Where do I turn to?
It seems like everywhere I look it's another dead end
another reminder that this is me
my life, worth nothing..
I'm just another person walking the earth waiting for my fire to burn out..
I'm counting my breaths but I need something to make my breaths count.
Lord forgive me for not understanding
forgive me for questioning your motifs
forgive me for not wanting to wake up sometimes..
Wishing you would give someone else the chance to live instead of me
I'm at the lowest of lows
my mind goes a mile a minute but somehow I'm still keeping it together..
I'm stumbling through each day
sometimes I fall to my knees but that's your way of telling me to look to you,so here I am God, if you're still listening..
I'm here,
I'm broken,
I'm lost..
I've fallen short of being the person you designed me to be
fix me lord
make me new
Bring the light back to my life
Ignite that burning fire in my soul,
let me live..
I wana be whole again..