deepundergroundpoetry.com
This Life
As I see my Life approach Death
I've seen some friends die from meth
They've died by gangs
They've died by bangs
All I know is that Death is fair
I've even been invited to his lair
And all i can think is how I escaped
By his mere intrusion on my fate
The meaning of life is so unclear
That my mind gets fogged up by the beer
To no ones eyes do I appear
So it's so easy to disappear
To know that no ones there
Makes this life so unfair
Try to understand these words I write
For if you don't you won't get it right
I've seen some friends die from meth
They've died by gangs
They've died by bangs
All I know is that Death is fair
I've even been invited to his lair
And all i can think is how I escaped
By his mere intrusion on my fate
The meaning of life is so unclear
That my mind gets fogged up by the beer
To no ones eyes do I appear
So it's so easy to disappear
To know that no ones there
Makes this life so unfair
Try to understand these words I write
For if you don't you won't get it right
Published 14th Feb 2011
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Anonymous
14th Feb 2011 11:41pm
The rhyming is a little bit off. Sounds too forced. That's the problem with rhyming, you have to find that perfect word or it throws the whole thing off.
I gotta give you points for effort.
I gotta give you points for effort.
16th Feb 2011 7:02pm
Anonymous
16th Feb 2011 10:47pm
Ah sorry for being so vague. Umm my thoughts on this poem are as follows:
The first line is solid, but doesn't really connect with the second, third, or fourth line.
It pretty much says "I see my life approached by Death" and then talks about all the different ways your friends have died?
Second stanza is good.
In the third stanza, the last line you repeat the word "so" twice and it sounds just a tad awkward. Maybe changing the second "so" to another word would do the trick.
Fourth stanza, typo. "To know that no *one's* there." And the last sentence is a little off to me, but I'm not sure why.
The first line is solid, but doesn't really connect with the second, third, or fourth line.
It pretty much says "I see my life approached by Death" and then talks about all the different ways your friends have died?
Second stanza is good.
In the third stanza, the last line you repeat the word "so" twice and it sounds just a tad awkward. Maybe changing the second "so" to another word would do the trick.
Fourth stanza, typo. "To know that no *one's* there." And the last sentence is a little off to me, but I'm not sure why.
18th Feb 2011 6:57pm
19th Feb 2016 10:23am
the words and everything else was good but you gotta let it flow and find some rhythm.
16th Apr 2016 10:36pm
its good to be hit by my first piece on this site after a while yea some of my pieces are like this later on
