deepundergroundpoetry.com
Revenge
You skin is rancid with a smell that’s not mine,
You've disguised it with soap and an “I’ll be late” line.
Don’t make the mistake to think you've fooled me,
I’m definitely not blind to the pig I now see.
You've no idea the illicit pain I want to cause,
I’d start by knocking you out with poisonous gauze.
When you awake, by the moonlight you’ll be,
My vicious tools glimmering with my smirk of glee.
I want to make your body feel the hurt that I do,
Cutting slices to remove the images of me screwing you.
Every piece of your being that’s strayed so far,
Being Pricked and stabbed to leave a permanent scar.
Alas you’re asleep and I’m watching you snore,
It’s hard to imagine that it was you I did to adore.
Tonight I will simmer and tickle and plot,
To extract my revenge you snivelling snot.
You've disguised it with soap and an “I’ll be late” line.
Don’t make the mistake to think you've fooled me,
I’m definitely not blind to the pig I now see.
You've no idea the illicit pain I want to cause,
I’d start by knocking you out with poisonous gauze.
When you awake, by the moonlight you’ll be,
My vicious tools glimmering with my smirk of glee.
I want to make your body feel the hurt that I do,
Cutting slices to remove the images of me screwing you.
Every piece of your being that’s strayed so far,
Being Pricked and stabbed to leave a permanent scar.
Alas you’re asleep and I’m watching you snore,
It’s hard to imagine that it was you I did to adore.
Tonight I will simmer and tickle and plot,
To extract my revenge you snivelling snot.
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likes 7
reading list entries 0
comments 17
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re: Revenge
Heart of glass
firstly welcome to this place.
please don't take my critique to heart, its just my opinion.
I think your storyline is sound, also I think you've a good grasp of flow and meter. Your voice is consistent throughout also, these are all great attributes for poetry.
what I feel lets you down is your rhyme scheme, I think if you were of the mind to rewrite without the rhyme I think it would read a lot better, if you would like some help I would be happy to.
anyhow again this is just my opinion and should not ne taken to heart
shine on
firstly welcome to this place.
please don't take my critique to heart, its just my opinion.
I think your storyline is sound, also I think you've a good grasp of flow and meter. Your voice is consistent throughout also, these are all great attributes for poetry.
what I feel lets you down is your rhyme scheme, I think if you were of the mind to rewrite without the rhyme I think it would read a lot better, if you would like some help I would be happy to.
anyhow again this is just my opinion and should not ne taken to heart
shine on
1
Re: Revenge
15th Jan 2014 2:18am
Hi CraicDealer, Thank you for your feedback! Would love the help, could you please give an example?
Thank you for taking the time to read :)
Thank you for taking the time to read :)
Re: Revenge
15th Jan 2014 3:35am
re: Re: Revenge
15th Jan 2014 4:57am
Re: Revenge
15th Jan 2014 3:52am
Ignore the criticism
This is a fucking great write
Brilliant revenge plot
Very well written with sincere malice
I applaud you with your message.
This is a fucking great write
Brilliant revenge plot
Very well written with sincere malice
I applaud you with your message.
1
re: Re: Revenge
15th Jan 2014 4:59am
Thank you; I like how this forum encourages the words to ooze out of the soul.
Re: Revenge
15th Jan 2014 2:27pm
Whoa! Chilling!
My Friend,I can truly feel the anger, and pain, within this piece!
Your imagery vividly paints the un-nerving picture of a sinister revenge!
( A person, one would definitely n o t want to upset--in any way! LOL! )
An enjoyable read!
My Friend,I can truly feel the anger, and pain, within this piece!
Your imagery vividly paints the un-nerving picture of a sinister revenge!
( A person, one would definitely n o t want to upset--in any way! LOL! )
An enjoyable read!
1
re: Re: Revenge
16th Jan 2014 3:27am
Thank you DarkEnchantress!
Just comes seeping out and onto 'paper'...
Big pussycat I promise lol.
Just comes seeping out and onto 'paper'...
Big pussycat I promise lol.
Re: Revenge
16th Jan 2014 3:21am
Your ink speaks of a vicious n vengeful heart n mind
Although brought about by pain of betrayal
at the same time it's a write, so as long as you don't actually feel like this or more importantly follow thru in real life
Then I must say... Wow, good stuff ! lol
Although brought about by pain of betrayal
at the same time it's a write, so as long as you don't actually feel like this or more importantly follow thru in real life
Then I must say... Wow, good stuff ! lol
1
re: Re: Revenge
16th Jan 2014 3:25am
haha yes, isn't that why we write sometimes? Exploring such emotions? I couldn't hurt a roach!
I actually had written this for the 4x4 competition.
Thank you for reading :)
I actually had written this for the 4x4 competition.
Thank you for reading :)
re: re: Re: Revenge
16th Jan 2014 3:35am
Re: Revenge
16th Jan 2014 11:44pm
not blind to the pig I now see. .....
ur a wonder gal
why not import urself to usa
and teach em
so many teenagers
get unwanted unclaimed undesired kids
they don't understand
what men's
only need is
ur poetry will teach
ur a wonder gal
why not import urself to usa
and teach em
so many teenagers
get unwanted unclaimed undesired kids
they don't understand
what men's
only need is
ur poetry will teach
1
re: Re: Revenge
17th Jan 2014 00:01am
I'm all for burning the bra and equality, but there's no such thing. Different animals... needs to be appreciated for the differences not for the imposed 'person'.
Thank you for your interest x
Thank you for your interest x
Re: Revenge
17th Jan 2014 11:58am
I don't know what the "men's only need" comment is about but I think one should speak for themselves only. Passionate ink Ms Heart. As usual. This drags you in and keeps you following the plot. A fan of your work. Loving your styles. I say again. Your words a perfect addition to DU. Bring it on.Thank you again Ms Heart.
1
re: Re: Revenge
17th Jan 2014 12:59pm
Re: Revenge
20th Jan 2014 3:30am
Catching up on my reading.
This one I read to myself mentally, filling me with your feeling of venom until the those last two remarkable lines.
This one I read to myself mentally, filling me with your feeling of venom until the those last two remarkable lines.
0
re: Re: Revenge
20th Jan 2014 4:23am
I know what it's like (catching up).
It was for the 4x4 comp, I felt that maybe I was getting a little too carried away. Needed to let the audience know I'm not too much of a psycho :)
It was for the 4x4 comp, I felt that maybe I was getting a little too carried away. Needed to let the audience know I'm not too much of a psycho :)