deepundergroundpoetry.com
Bad Blood
Bad Blood
A villanelle
Riley touched herself and bathed her feet.
When she was nine she first noticed her coming of age
and imagined her brother, Pete.
She bleached the bathroom, to keep her mind neat
and clean, like a white, new page.
Riley touched herself and bathed her feet.
She took a walk to cool the heat
aimlessly attempting to cool the rage
and imagined her brother, Pete.
He was blue eyed, tall, smelt like wheat
and sage,
Riley touched herself and bathed her feet.
He entered her head while she sat at her desk seat,
locked inside a call centre cage,
and imagined her brother, Pete.
Seductive art; the final stage.
A screaming heart to an unwholesome beat
Riley touched herself and bathed her feet
and imagined her brother, Pete.
A villanelle
Riley touched herself and bathed her feet.
When she was nine she first noticed her coming of age
and imagined her brother, Pete.
She bleached the bathroom, to keep her mind neat
and clean, like a white, new page.
Riley touched herself and bathed her feet.
She took a walk to cool the heat
aimlessly attempting to cool the rage
and imagined her brother, Pete.
He was blue eyed, tall, smelt like wheat
and sage,
Riley touched herself and bathed her feet.
He entered her head while she sat at her desk seat,
locked inside a call centre cage,
and imagined her brother, Pete.
Seductive art; the final stage.
A screaming heart to an unwholesome beat
Riley touched herself and bathed her feet
and imagined her brother, Pete.
Published 7th Feb 2011
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7th Feb 2011 11:06am
...if you will suffer my opinion...
The discipline you are applying to these (almost archaic) forms is awesome, and there are very few walking around who are capable of doing what you are doing, as well as sailing so fine to the wind with your topics as well...stunning honest graft.
In this piece, I'm not entirely happy with the second line...the image gets a bit messy...
...and any time I see a name like 'Pete", I know the writer is setting themselves up to help find rhymes...not a criticism though by any means.
The wage line feels a little bit forced as well...maybe another look?
Please don't feel that this isn't very impressive, but you are approaching a level of skill with these that means anything less than perfection isn't you at your best...aint it a bitch :-)
HH
The discipline you are applying to these (almost archaic) forms is awesome, and there are very few walking around who are capable of doing what you are doing, as well as sailing so fine to the wind with your topics as well...stunning honest graft.
In this piece, I'm not entirely happy with the second line...the image gets a bit messy...
...and any time I see a name like 'Pete", I know the writer is setting themselves up to help find rhymes...not a criticism though by any means.
The wage line feels a little bit forced as well...maybe another look?
Please don't feel that this isn't very impressive, but you are approaching a level of skill with these that means anything less than perfection isn't you at your best...aint it a bitch :-)
HH
7th Feb 2011 11:24am
Thank you, Hemi and Pete is my fathers name so, although I admit, I just used it because it rhymes ironically it is quite fitting for the incest-filled plot. As for the second line and the wage line I completely agree and will run with editing. Thank you
7th Feb 2011 9:21pm
8th Feb 2011 10:32pm
Anonymous
7th Feb 2011 10:07pm
I think you pulled it off, but as Hemi said this is hugely disciplined and must have taken some construction.
It's a showcase for your considerable talent - BUT, I personally prefer you when you lose the rules!
But thats just me.
Good work,
S
It's a showcase for your considerable talent - BUT, I personally prefer you when you lose the rules!
But thats just me.
Good work,
S
8th Feb 2011 10:32pm
9th Feb 2011 2:55am
This is impressive. and the subject matter is a little unnerving, which is awesome. Great work here, LA.
9th Feb 2011 1:05pm
Thank you, PTM - I don't know why I've been in this sort of tasteless state of mind but there it is - thank you!
9th Feb 2011 1:19pm
The fourth stanza is lil bit interfering the strength and the pace of the script even though I have enjoyed the piece as a whole. I have heard such a bother and sister story in the past and hence seeing transalating it into an art is interesting. Could have been lil bit much better. Even though I am really moved by your touch of art.
9th Feb 2011 1:31pm
Anandosen, thank you! As always - it's not the strongest but when playing with a villanelle form I thought why not play with other issues too.
