The Truth

Like a fox, I'll trick you in to believing I'm alright
Careful in public, the facade never breaks for then they would know
They would see how broken I really am
Some days are wonderful, for a moment I almost feel alive
And for a moment I forget, even if it is for just a split second
Then the memories hit me and I'm back in the bathroom
Sitting in a stall having a mental breakdown because I saw him in the library
My hearts not healed yet
I miss him
I miss him so much and I know I shouldn't
He doesn't love me anymore, he doesn't want me he made that clear
He's with someone else
It's been almost three months and the ache in my heart hasn't eased up yet
This pain is worse than when I starved myself for days on end
I had a dream about him last night
He called me and said "I still love you." The joy that flooded through my body was unimaginable
He came over and we were together. Him and I, no one else
For a brief moment it felt like it was real, for a moment it felt perfect
Then I awoke and the tears spilled over because I no matter how hard I try to forget and not think about him, at night my mind wanders
I want to move on I really do, but how can someone love someone so emotionally damaged?
Some days I want to rip my heart out of my chest, just to make the pain stop
I'm not better
I'm just a very convincing liar
Spinning stories until you're convinced I'm as happy as a lamb
Forgive me for not being as strong as I make myself out to be
Like a broken toy he threw me away because there was no use for me anymore
But I'm still here hurting wishing he'd come back
Desperation is sinking in
Depression is clawing at my skin
Starvation is knocking at my door
For once I'd like to be good enough
For someone, anyone
Instead of being this sickening piece of flesh that can barely fake a smile every day
I'm trying to remember how to be happy, but it seems I've forgotten
There's no point in hoping anymore
For you know what they say about hope
It breeds eternal misery