...

the first read, made me think it was much harder than it is. not sure why, thought I was going to struggle through it. Second read much easier. An old and timeless idea, with the dialogue at the edge of earth, but it feels fresh...and unanswered, which I quite like...do not know what those last five lines mean, but there is a mystery in the language that convinces me. I also feel like this is an old lore feel to it but doesn't read to me too outdated. Seems aware of its timelessness, and the little imagery details give it an eerie sense but not overdone. cant quite place where the mood is, but cant deny its there, dig that



ps. just seen where you scribbled them few lines in the 20 word thread. interesting to see where it went

It's what you make of it, I suppose, though there is a concrete idea behind it. Glad it got you thinking, and commenting. Cheers.

I agree with lb, about the mystery in the language. I really like the king's questions, they remind me of The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafón.

The last two OK's jar, sorry to say. The mood was set, and the 'OK' was an anachronistic intrusion, but that's JMHO.

Your set-up here could easily accommodate a sequel.

Thanks for the read.

The two OKs are to distinguish understanding from uncertainty. I intend to read this aloud at some point, then you'll hear it.

Cheers for the thoughts, A.

this one took me a few reads but i dig it.
almost seems like an excerpt. leaves you wanting to know more. ever read the dark tower series by king? specifically "the gunslinger"? just kinda gamme a bit ogf the same imagery. like lb said i see how you put this 2g from the forums or the other way around. but the language is perfect it creates the black whites and greys instead of full colors.

dig it A

I know of the stories but haven't read them. This was a response to some other writing, along with getting old. Time is a cunt, and ours, a quick cunt.

Cheers for the words, man.

This feels like the kind of surrealism you experience in a dream. When your subconscious lingers with your half-awake state. Kings, and horses and cities. The highlight for me was the image of the land being a chest ripped in half. Metaphorically, this is beautiful. The ideology that man himself came from the earth. Creationism, nature, the fibres of soil, the veins.

Thank you for this delightful thought process.

That's good; exactly the environment I tried to conjure, but only mildly. Not enough to be surreal, not enough for real. Thanks for the positive feedback, Audeamus.

I think the two 'ok's work, and are needed to point out a feeling of uncertainty, because people who are certain only say ok once. Is how I was thinking about it, anyway. Maybe a comma, instead of a full-stop, after the first 'ok' would make the two work together more, if you were thinking it could be jarring.
I admire the way the dialogue is set out. How it doesn't feel stop start at all, even though it's a question/answer thing. And how the little speech beginning 'My mind is a furnace' doesn't feel like it has an end, even though it stops. And the line break /By foot is a lovely thing.
Little nit picks: Don't think 'he starts' in needed, or the 'and' that comes after 'I am old'.
The idea about a mind getting rid of everything it acquired is stunningly sad, but the way its delivered means when you read it you kind of glide over it instead of being tripped up by it. Like when someone walks into a room but forgets what they wanted in there. There's some quote by someoneorother who says something like: good writing is when a reader becomes unaware of the words, that alphabetical barrier between reader and idea is pushed over. Which is why I think that middle line in your poem is the best part.

Merda, novelist, sayer, and I thought you were a quiet one.
You're kinda on to the OKs. Slightly off but you got your voice in your head, not mine. Just my words. I'll think about the comma, but I don't think it's a big enough pause to change the tone. Very good nit picks. I had to suggest he was talking somehow, before it got confusing, and starts is maybe the wrong word.

So, what you wrote is exactly what happened. I wrote this down in a book, by hand, and by doing so I noticed the words were insignificant, so therefore, easy. Of course, I edited the shit out of it, but it came out simply and concrete. So your comment is so accurate it's almost scary. Thank you, lady.

ah yes, the first two sentences are a fine scene setter. the introduction of the king with "The king asked me.."  another great choice/ technique

It all reads like it could mean an array of  things, but its a fabulous trip. I'd like to think you spent hours on this because of the tightness and fluidity of it.

anyhow man, I think for me, this is certainly among your best.

great stuff, shine on      

Well, ironically, for me that tightness and fluidity gets lost in editing. I take simple things and shatter them usually. I can't write anything quickly unless I'd drunk so it took a few days, but mainly for the clarity of the idea.

That's kind of you to say so. Really liked your last poem. Keep meaning to get to it, and I will.
Cheers, Eamonn. Sane diamond.

The joining of horror and nature in your opening lines is brilliant. The King and his companion could be metaphorical, I guess, but I always take a poem at face value before considering stuff like that, and this one works as a straight narrative. Maybe work on giving it a title, though. Something like, "The Landscape as We Saw It", perhaps.

I hate titling. How much an hour? Cheers, wigga!

I can see why my cousin directed me to your craft. Lovely work, it's nice to read from an experienced writer; nonetheless a poet as well.

I'm not experienced; just pretending.

Mysterious and subtle, something like this could be deemed poetry, actual emotions, not just screamed.. But expressed, artistically and poetically.

Thank you for the read.

Could be? I'm so sorry.

For some reason, for me it'd read more smoothly if this bit were removed: "There are no more bats, because the black birds are awake and whispering into night".  Everything (I mean every thing) else about it reads so very well, with gravitas and portent, from the open chested landscape that gets one's attention, to the series of questions that immediately transport the reader to this change point in what is clearly a vast and serious history, to the final hesitating agreement to participate in the "ok, ok".  The utter desolation of the landscape, the King's complete tiredness with the weight of memory, of knowing, are communicated thoroughly.  Wrenching, beautiful piece, Mr A, and thank you for it.

You're asking for trouble, Kaatho, and I'd expect no less. Thank you. :)

me too. this is something i'll have to come back to. for now, i'm silenced by it.

It's a simple trick, maybe. I hope anyway. Cheers, aglitch.

This piece is a time piece set in timelessness yet with time running - it is the written metaphor for Dali's clock paintings - surreal it is or is it just a pause between realities. Set me up for wanting more - really good - thank you

No intentional Dali, but thank you.

This does leave you longing for more. Would make a start to a good movie to start a back story. I would almost picture the movie labyrinth.