deepundergroundpoetry.com
Whisky, Drugs & the Incurable Romantic
The whisky
tasted chainsaws in my head
it left me in gutters
or in treetops
lurching precarious
each branch thinner
more rotten than the next
Scary,
how empty bottles
still ain't pretty to watch
The drugs
made me happy to forget
before I remembered
all the reasons they were swallowed
and had to take more
until my body screamed
stop...
The women
fucked with me, as I with them
years dancing
past impossible quests
the search for love everlasting
or some bullshit et cetera
'Que sera-sera'
Cynic?
you bet.
But once in a while
electric tingling over the bridge
the faintest whisper
a wraith crawling sickly from the heart
inspired by a word or a smile
a simple turn of her head
Soulmate, is that you--
where've you been all my life?
WHERE THE FUCK have you been,
you long lost shit?
tasted chainsaws in my head
it left me in gutters
or in treetops
lurching precarious
each branch thinner
more rotten than the next
Scary,
how empty bottles
still ain't pretty to watch
The drugs
made me happy to forget
before I remembered
all the reasons they were swallowed
and had to take more
until my body screamed
stop...
The women
fucked with me, as I with them
years dancing
past impossible quests
the search for love everlasting
or some bullshit et cetera
'Que sera-sera'
Cynic?
you bet.
But once in a while
electric tingling over the bridge
the faintest whisper
a wraith crawling sickly from the heart
inspired by a word or a smile
a simple turn of her head
Soulmate, is that you--
where've you been all my life?
WHERE THE FUCK have you been,
you long lost shit?
Published 19th Jan 2011
| Edited 17th Sep 2014
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comments 8
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The author encourages honest critique.
19th Jan 2011 11:51am
check it, Abra, your genius is showing.
"or in treetops
lurching precarious"
"the faintest whisper
a wraith rising from the heart" stanza
etc.
"or in treetops
lurching precarious"
"the faintest whisper
a wraith rising from the heart" stanza
etc.
19th Jan 2011 11:59am
I thought that strophe looked a tad flat, Jes - so I've just given it a bit more punch - and I suspect it'll change again too.
Best ~ Abra
19th Jan 2011 1:17pm
19th Jan 2011 2:55pm
Your words never fail to amaze me. The images you create are extremely vivid.
Don't tell the others(But you're my favourite)
Don't tell the others(But you're my favourite)
the whiskey
tasted chainsaws in my head
it left me in gutters
or in treetops
lurching precarious
each branch thinner
more rotten than the next [why only expand on the treetops, good image in the first two lines]
funny,
but not pretty to watch [is this line needed?]
the drugs [is 'the' needed?]
made me happy to forget
before i remembered
all the reasons they were swallowed [swallowed feels a little weak]
and had to take more
until my body screamed
stop
the women
fucked with me, as I with them
years dancing by
our impossible quests [is our needed?]
the search for love everlasting
or some such bullshit
que sera sera
cynic?
you bet [is this line needed?]
but once in a while [is but needed]
the faintest whisper
a wraith crawling sickly from the heart
inspired by a word or a smile
a simple turn of the head [for me this line needs expanding on as it's a little flat ]
soul mate, is that you
where've you been all my life
where the fuck have you
been, you shit?
......................................
normally i hate lines like the last four here, but here they work well. they're down to earth and solid.
all in all a good solid poem that needs maybe one more image. and a small edit, thanks for the read abc.
all jmo.
tasted chainsaws in my head
it left me in gutters
or in treetops
lurching precarious
each branch thinner
more rotten than the next [why only expand on the treetops, good image in the first two lines]
funny,
but not pretty to watch [is this line needed?]
the drugs [is 'the' needed?]
made me happy to forget
before i remembered
all the reasons they were swallowed [swallowed feels a little weak]
and had to take more
until my body screamed
stop
the women
fucked with me, as I with them
years dancing by
our impossible quests [is our needed?]
the search for love everlasting
or some such bullshit
que sera sera
cynic?
you bet [is this line needed?]
but once in a while [is but needed]
the faintest whisper
a wraith crawling sickly from the heart
inspired by a word or a smile
a simple turn of the head [for me this line needs expanding on as it's a little flat ]
soul mate, is that you
where've you been all my life
where the fuck have you
been, you shit?
......................................
normally i hate lines like the last four here, but here they work well. they're down to earth and solid.
all in all a good solid poem that needs maybe one more image. and a small edit, thanks for the read abc.
all jmo.
20th Jan 2011 12:41pm
Thanks for that feedback, Billy. Structure in my poems is usally dictated by which particular voice holds sway in my head at the time of writing. If I'm lucky the flow arrives in a natural way. But I'm a fanatical tweaker, so suggestions like yours here are always welcome to go in the mix.
Appreciate your time to look at this.
Best ~ Abra
20th Jan 2011 3:50pm
Anonymous
22nd Jan 2011 10:50am
- added to my RL.
Steven
Steven
