Fight For You

Hi KittyFromHell, I am sw9618, and we have "met" via forums/threads on a few occasions.I read your post on "why ask for honest critique" and you desire honest critique. I purposefully chose a poem of yours with no comments, that way, it will just be me and you and no other peoples' view or comments. I hope that is fine with you. Before I give you my critique I just want to tell you, I take and have taken AP Lit, English, and Creative Writing Courses, so I do have background on poetry and what I say to you about this piece is based on legitimate "stuff." Okay, here is my critique:

I love the three lines, you have a good sense of imagery (“burned so strongly”).
You tone switches with “Certainly not those stupid boys.” Your reader is left thinking are those stupid boys referring to the childhood crushes or…what? Clarify. And since the stupid boys, to you, are all idiocy and noise, instead of just telling your reader, why don’t you show your reader? Demonstrate thought and meaning, through action, imagery, experience, etc.

***Remember poems are like zipped up suitcases. They’re meant to be unpacked by your reader. If you tell your reader everything rather than show your reader everything, there would be nothing to unpack, therefore no point in writing the poem.

“But you…” all by itself with the ellipsis (the “…”) is a very good style choice. It gives your reader the emphasis of whoever “you” is and the ellipses allows the reader to build meaning as to why “you” is special and happened between “you” and “I.” I like that, again, well done!

Next, “ignites fiery determination inside.” Great imagery! You have told us that separation of “you” and “I” does the above quote to you. Now, show us! Would you break glass, have a temper tantrum or get drunk or high on drugs!? SHOW your reader! That will give more unpacking for the reader to do, plus add characterization to “I” and great diction: this will entertain your reader more!

“They think they’ll separate us?” Now, who is “they”? Is it “you’s” parents and “I’s” parents? Who is they? Give your reader more information! Sometimes vagueness is good, but you don’t want your reader trying to unpack a suitcase alone in the desert.

Now, “Like hell and over my dead corpse” and “I will raise the underworld’s gore.” “Dead corpse” is redundant. Your reader knows corpses are dead. If you said dead body or dead heart or dead soul, that would be interesting! See my point? Okay, I love how your show your reader your anger by saying that you will raise the underworld’s gore. Now, give your reader more with the hell-like diction. Include saying something like, “The devil and I have signed an alliance and we shall drink your blood together while using your organs to feed the dead zombies.” The lines I quoted in this paragraph “Like hell…” and “I will raise…” That anger is in regards to “they” correct? I know I already said this, but, who is “they?” And one more thing, if you want, capitalize “underworld” it will give more power to it.

The last stanza is pretty much okay.

I love the last two lines in Spanish! “The love of my life” and “Without you I will go crazy.” Am I correct, something along those lines? I speak a little Spanish.

I really did like this piece. I hope you take my critique and pointers into consideration. Well done, KittyFromHell :)

Whoa.... Thanks for breaking down the poem... Much appreciated... I may just rewrite it sometime... You made some great points.

And Yes... You translated the last couple lines correctly :)

Thank you for your comment!