deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Birds of the Summer
Fluttering frantically,
birds nestle to the side
of their Bird Bath.
Filled to the brim
they're splashing around.
Stretching, splattering water to the garden bed
Taking refuge
from the blistering Summer heat.
They're family,
bonding in simplicity.
In simplicity..
Utterly content to Breathe.
Their continuous chirping
always sounds sweeter when they sing.
Sing,
It'll only make it harder to breathe.
birds nestle to the side
of their Bird Bath.
Filled to the brim
they're splashing around.
Stretching, splattering water to the garden bed
Taking refuge
from the blistering Summer heat.
They're family,
bonding in simplicity.
In simplicity..
Utterly content to Breathe.
Their continuous chirping
always sounds sweeter when they sing.
Sing,
It'll only make it harder to breathe.
Published 2nd Sep 2013
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The author encourages honest critique.
Good to see you branching out and trying new subjects and styles. The technique that I seem to recognize here is you describing the scene without comment and then adding the final line or image that puts it in context and make it a poem. The Imagists used that technique. I think it mostly works here. There are some sentences that could stand to lose a couple of helper words that would make this more effective in my mind. "They're splashing around" could be replaced by a comma at the end of the last sentence followed by "splashing" I might use "spilling" instead of "splattering" in the next sentence. "Taking refuge" could either become "in refuge" or "refugees" if you wanted to take it with that connotation. "They're family" I would shorten to just "Family"
In short try for as direct and telegraphic language as you can while still keeping it within understandable sentence structure. The capitals in a few places are odd though I assume you are using them to tell your reader that this is not really about birds. I wouldn't worry about hitting them over the head with it, just let the strangeness of your final image do that work.
In short try for as direct and telegraphic language as you can while still keeping it within understandable sentence structure. The capitals in a few places are odd though I assume you are using them to tell your reader that this is not really about birds. I wouldn't worry about hitting them over the head with it, just let the strangeness of your final image do that work.
2nd Sep 2013 2:15pm
Braggman, thanks brother, I see what you mean.. A comment from you is worth more than the little worthless comments... Cheers Steve, I'll get my head around that critique, good to hear from you.
It's short enough I don't know why I didn't just do it is way instead of using all of those words. Birds are already specified in the title so you don't even need to say it in the poem.
Fluttering frantically
nestled to the side
of their bath
filled to the brim
splashing, stretching
spilling water to the garden bed
refugees
from the blistering summer heat
family
bonding in simplicity
in simplicity...
content to breathe.
It always sounds sweeter when they sing.
Sing,
It'll only make it harder to breathe.
Fluttering frantically
nestled to the side
of their bath
filled to the brim
splashing, stretching
spilling water to the garden bed
refugees
from the blistering summer heat
family
bonding in simplicity
in simplicity...
content to breathe.
It always sounds sweeter when they sing.
Sing,
It'll only make it harder to breathe.
2nd Sep 2013 3:33pm
Did it for me! Aha, cheers Braggman. I'll put them side to side and learn something for once, aha.
2nd Sep 2013 5:53pm
definitely like to see you goin with other styles evan.
bragg already beat me to it. he said everything i was gonna. so good on bragg there.
"Birds are already specified in the title so you don't even need to say it in the poem"
i'm jus gonna co sign that one. that was my main point..
well done evan.
like to see you branching out brotha...
bragg already beat me to it. he said everything i was gonna. so good on bragg there.
"Birds are already specified in the title so you don't even need to say it in the poem"
i'm jus gonna co sign that one. that was my main point..
well done evan.
like to see you branching out brotha...
