NSA, you can have it all

One day that great, benevolent gatekeeper  
of truth, justice, and the American Way,
the NSA,
downloaded all my electronic dealings.
 
This is what they found:
 
-14 calls from telemarketers
-a text message from the electric company saying I was $14 over budget
-7 calls from my girlfriend
-2 calls from my wife
-1 call from some guy I met at the gym
-682 junk emails
-4 e-bills
-1 email from my car saying it's time for service
-21 texts from sugardaddies.com (don't think these were for me)
-6 texts from discretearrangements.com (these were mine)
-2 wrong numbers from some crazy bitch saying I owed her alimony
-1 collect call from my kid at Yale; she's in jail
-2 calls from some bill collector saying if I don't pay by Friday, they'll repossess my Bentley
-1 call from my mother wondering why I never call
-1 other wrong number, but she sounded nice, so we chatted for a hour
-1 rejection letter from poetry.com for my poem "NSA, you can have it all"
 
Finally, at 10:33 pm, I went to the electrical panel and pulled the main breaker.
I lit a candle, poured myself a glass of wine, smoked a blunt
and thought: I have to be out of my fucking mind