deepundergroundpoetry.com
hips
I love to watch the sway
Rhythmic, melodic, mesmerizing, magical
Like the wash of the waves on the shore
With every step it draws me in
With every step it lets me out
I am entranced by this pendulum
Which measures space not time
With languid, fluid motions it sets my heart astir
Taunting, tender, thoughtless, whimsical.
It lulls me with its sense of ease.
Rhythmic, melodic, mesmerizing, magical
Like the wash of the waves on the shore
With every step it draws me in
With every step it lets me out
I am entranced by this pendulum
Which measures space not time
With languid, fluid motions it sets my heart astir
Taunting, tender, thoughtless, whimsical.
It lulls me with its sense of ease.
Published 27th Aug 2013
| Edited 29th Aug 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 3
reads 967
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
28th Aug 2013 00:04am
28th Aug 2013 9:13am
a few critical comments: the sixth line should begin with "I" not "A." unless you intended it to begin with "A" of course, but i can't see why...
also i don't really like the fifth line beginning with "And." i think it would be much better if it just started with the next word in that line, though that might seem a little...oh what's the word?...but it would fit the rhythm of the piece better.
aside from that, it seems to be fine technically. i mean, the seventh line sort of clashes with the rhythm too, but it seems necessary for what it is saying, and the second-from-the-first and second-from-the-last lines have a different rhythm from the rest of the piece also, but those parts are fine that way, as that particular break seems more intentional.
i'm probably not the biggest fan of the "erotic poems," but this one wasn't that bad. at the end of it i thought it seemed a little redundant to say what you said in the last line for some reason, but on reading the piece again, it seems to serve a purpose.
also i don't really like the fifth line beginning with "And." i think it would be much better if it just started with the next word in that line, though that might seem a little...oh what's the word?...but it would fit the rhythm of the piece better.
aside from that, it seems to be fine technically. i mean, the seventh line sort of clashes with the rhythm too, but it seems necessary for what it is saying, and the second-from-the-first and second-from-the-last lines have a different rhythm from the rest of the piece also, but those parts are fine that way, as that particular break seems more intentional.
i'm probably not the biggest fan of the "erotic poems," but this one wasn't that bad. at the end of it i thought it seemed a little redundant to say what you said in the last line for some reason, but on reading the piece again, it seems to serve a purpose.
28th Aug 2013 3:30pm
Thank you for the analysis i agree with you typo and a bad memory. I didn't have an and in the original poem.
