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bloo

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A sanctuary in the skies
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wish upon a strange star
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celestial dances
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melancholy moon has had it's fill of bluebirds �
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rendezvous with a deja vu
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willow tree conceding to the whispers of the wind �
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amidst the startling alarm clocks
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Rumbling tractor trailers
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somewhere in between the kettle's whistling �
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hyenas screeching laughter �
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��
There's a bluebird singing the most beautiful canzone.....never heard.

Written by Ghos

Published 21st Aug 2013 | Edited 22nd Aug 2013

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Re: bloo

Anonymous

21st Aug 2013 5:42pm

Firstly, welcome to the DU.

Secondly, the poem.
The constant use of .... is quite distracting and it's not really needed. It can be used for emphasis, but maybe it's worth thinking about cutting the use of them down, just for future reference. Lyrically, you have got some good words and phrases in here. It's a joy to read because of that.

I wonder if it would be worth shifting the last line to a line of its own? It would really drive home the statement you have made at the end of the poem.

An enjoyable read none the less. Thank you for the read.

Ghos

21st Aug 2013 6:12pm

Thanks for the welcome missy. Haha, the poem is an oldie, and I've had the ..... Habit for oh so long. My friend even called me Tony dot dot because of it, but you are absolutely right. I'm going to patch it up a bit thank you for the kind words and advice.