deepundergroundpoetry.com
By the Shed
Growing up
I remember the days in Perth,
toting the .22
where nobody gave a shit.
I'd run down to Jev's
meet him by the truck,
and we'd be gone for the day
Dead, to anybody who mattered.
Picking off lined up beer bottles
of Tooheys,
I never liked the shit.
We'd line them up by the shed
and try to blast away the bottle neck.
It's been too long my man,
and it's good we're here
I never knew you'd be coming
to watch my reckless ass
So here we go,
It's time to fight
It's time to die
All we've ever wanted and then some.
How far have we come
from the shed
in the barren fields
of Western Australia.
I remember the days in Perth,
toting the .22
where nobody gave a shit.
I'd run down to Jev's
meet him by the truck,
and we'd be gone for the day
Dead, to anybody who mattered.
Picking off lined up beer bottles
of Tooheys,
I never liked the shit.
We'd line them up by the shed
and try to blast away the bottle neck.
It's been too long my man,
and it's good we're here
I never knew you'd be coming
to watch my reckless ass
So here we go,
It's time to fight
It's time to die
All we've ever wanted and then some.
How far have we come
from the shed
in the barren fields
of Western Australia.
Published 20th Aug 2013
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
20th Aug 2013 2:34am
Yep, those were the days~now turned into killing people instead of bottles...good write Evan
Strider
Strider
20th Aug 2013 2:36am
Yes you are definitely on the right track here. While in the statement "It's time to fight. It's time to die," you did tell it straight. You avoided the impulse to load it wih emotion and drama. It is still a bit stark and bare for my taste. It is rich in truth but a bit sparse in the poetry. We already know that you are moving on to a more serious level to which your play was just a prelude. We assume the stakes are ultimate stakes. I would put something else here or even remove the stanza altogether. It only states for us what the rest of the poem shows to us... and if it is a choice between the two, I'd always keep the showing and lose the telling.
20th Aug 2013 3:29am
Cheers Steve, sounds good. I'll strip this down and build it back up, ah yeah, that stanza has been nagging at me, I'll happily lose it.
Definitely, I'll see what could be added.
Definitely, I'll see what could be added.
20th Aug 2013 5:09am
"How far have we come
from the shed
in the barren fields"
Nice write Evan!! A country boy from Mississipi can relate. Thanks for sharing.
from the shed
in the barren fields"
Nice write Evan!! A country boy from Mississipi can relate. Thanks for sharing.
20th Aug 2013 5:13am
20th Aug 2013 4:50pm
Aw, memories of popping the beer bottles, only for us it was the fallen trees in the forest behind our house.
20th Aug 2013 4:54pm
Anonymous
21st Aug 2013 1:14am
Such rich images this piece conjured for me, I could feel the heat of the day and the stillness of time, very well done!
