Rush of breath

The words are out before they even pass through my head
I wish I was fucking dead!
As soon as they leave my lips, it follows -
the rush of breath. my rush of breath. inside.
Words that I have never thought, never thought I would say, and would never act upon, have left my mouth, with no one here to hear them.
It doesn't matter, I've heard them.
The sudden rush of breath - something in me breaks - more...
I feel absolutely nothing, just a weight lift off,
as if the words were my undoing - undoing of what I don't know.

I can save everyone except for myself it seems.
The blue dark waters keep dragging me under, but still,
those ugly words do not belong to me;  
Those were the wrong words, they have been from the start.
I don't wish I were dead. Never. Ever.
But, I do wish...that I was alive.