deepundergroundpoetry.com
Poets don't complain
How did you feel..
when the darkness and doubt
fucked you insane?
A dark so bleak
short lived.. and Welcoming even to you.
And how did you feel when your doubt told you
that everything would've been okay..
Blow it out of the water
as you do with the proportion.
Did you complain?
Or did you shut it and write
until you found your way
into light.
Did it feel nice..
to have the sun shine on you again.
You tell me..
will you ever face this?
A cowardice in tongue
not even a tongue in cheek.
Gripped by fear.
it reflects poorly from your face
with its radiance shining at you
from the River's edge.
when the darkness and doubt
fucked you insane?
A dark so bleak
short lived.. and Welcoming even to you.
And how did you feel when your doubt told you
that everything would've been okay..
Blow it out of the water
as you do with the proportion.
Did you complain?
Or did you shut it and write
until you found your way
into light.
Did it feel nice..
to have the sun shine on you again.
You tell me..
will you ever face this?
A cowardice in tongue
not even a tongue in cheek.
Gripped by fear.
it reflects poorly from your face
with its radiance shining at you
from the River's edge.
Published 23rd Jul 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 1
comments 10
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
23rd Jul 2013 3:04am
Nice job Evan....strider
23rd Jul 2013 4:22am
I missed the poems !! And this was great! Loved the blow out the water bit!! Xoxo
Flow of this ran to the rivers edge--I dig the intensity Evan-Excellence Sir!!!
23rd Jul 2013 2:06pm
25th Jul 2013 2:02pm
8th Aug 2013 1:04pm
I owe you some words on this. I haven't forgotten. I'll edit this comment within the next couple of days.
OK at the outset I apologize for being wordy and for offering my opinion as if it were truth. That said, take it for what it’s worth I’m sure you understand I mean it only as help.
I saw this as a rough and as you kept working it I liked it less and less and I told you why. Three things came to mind. Partly it was similar to what you told that guy in the forums… Replace your black and white areas with greys. The complexities and the details are where the interesting things all happen. It’s what separates the believable and interesting characters from being vessels for mere plot. It also allows the reader to be absorbed into the work and find the things that they can both visualize and relate to. So, as I have seen you give that out in public as advice, I won’t dwell on it. You have a concept of it, so try to keep it in mind.
The second part that I do want to dwell-on though is appropriate tone and exact word. Don’t over-reach use the word suited to the emotion. Build and lower. Use only the force necessary. If you start over the top, hitting hard, there is nowhere left to go. If you just keep trying to pile on the hate or the scorn or the despair it can’t continue to have the impact you intend. As an analogy you have a mission to rescue some hostages and destroy some munitions. What do you do? You quietly use a knife or a wire to take out the guard at the gate without raising an alarm. You use your rifle and scope to snipe the tower guard from a distance. You use your grenades to blow the munitions, while everyone heads toward the explosion you head for the hostages, take out the guard there with your pistol fitted with a silencer, and slip off with the hostages. Poetically what we were getting after a couple of edits was as if you wanted to take out the guard at the gate with the grenades, blow the base of the tower with the grenades, throw grenades outside the prison and hope the shrapnel gets the guards and not the prisoners, try to escape with the survivors and call in an air strike on the munitions.
To show your strength and skill you should use restraint and self-control. Only use the force necessary, the emotion necessary, the image necessary to do the job. At that point then you have made room for you grey areas and your complexity. Setting traps, marksmanship, distraction, stealth… all of these have counterparts in poetry and storytelling. Then sure the occasional grenade and maybe an atomic bomb might be in your backpack. Always hint at it, but you don't have to always pull it out.
Lastly, it also gives your reader time to want to read your poems without getting beat-up so badly. I’m all-for slapping the reader on occasion, but they have to feel some comfort and some place to identify. That’s what makes those little jabs that you give them hurt. If the whole thing is just disdainful, they will stop reading and write you off as arrogant. If they trust you then the slaps count, and only as hard as necessary to keep them reading more.
Judging, as I was, by these standards is why I said that I liked the early version of this much better. What I saw was roughly this (as far as I remember):
How did you feel…
when the darkness and doubt
fucked you insane?
A dark so bleak
short lived and welcoming
And how did you feel when your doubt told you
that everything would've been okay?
Did you complain?
Or did you shut it and write
until you found your way
into light.
Now those may not have been the exact words, but within a few minutes you started pumping it up and making it meaner and more extreme and beating up the reader. There was less chance for them to respond in the affirmative that they did know such a feeling because after a couple of edits the question kept getting more complicated and almost hostile.
Now I have to say that you have made it much better again since then it is more complex, less threatening, less over-the-top. You have put some good thought into this and I commend you for that. I gave you some hints in that direction the original night, but I promised you more in-depth words. I just haven’t gotten the chance until now. Again, sorry for all of the words. Take it for what it’s worth and hope you find something useful in it.
OK at the outset I apologize for being wordy and for offering my opinion as if it were truth. That said, take it for what it’s worth I’m sure you understand I mean it only as help.
I saw this as a rough and as you kept working it I liked it less and less and I told you why. Three things came to mind. Partly it was similar to what you told that guy in the forums… Replace your black and white areas with greys. The complexities and the details are where the interesting things all happen. It’s what separates the believable and interesting characters from being vessels for mere plot. It also allows the reader to be absorbed into the work and find the things that they can both visualize and relate to. So, as I have seen you give that out in public as advice, I won’t dwell on it. You have a concept of it, so try to keep it in mind.
The second part that I do want to dwell-on though is appropriate tone and exact word. Don’t over-reach use the word suited to the emotion. Build and lower. Use only the force necessary. If you start over the top, hitting hard, there is nowhere left to go. If you just keep trying to pile on the hate or the scorn or the despair it can’t continue to have the impact you intend. As an analogy you have a mission to rescue some hostages and destroy some munitions. What do you do? You quietly use a knife or a wire to take out the guard at the gate without raising an alarm. You use your rifle and scope to snipe the tower guard from a distance. You use your grenades to blow the munitions, while everyone heads toward the explosion you head for the hostages, take out the guard there with your pistol fitted with a silencer, and slip off with the hostages. Poetically what we were getting after a couple of edits was as if you wanted to take out the guard at the gate with the grenades, blow the base of the tower with the grenades, throw grenades outside the prison and hope the shrapnel gets the guards and not the prisoners, try to escape with the survivors and call in an air strike on the munitions.
To show your strength and skill you should use restraint and self-control. Only use the force necessary, the emotion necessary, the image necessary to do the job. At that point then you have made room for you grey areas and your complexity. Setting traps, marksmanship, distraction, stealth… all of these have counterparts in poetry and storytelling. Then sure the occasional grenade and maybe an atomic bomb might be in your backpack. Always hint at it, but you don't have to always pull it out.
Lastly, it also gives your reader time to want to read your poems without getting beat-up so badly. I’m all-for slapping the reader on occasion, but they have to feel some comfort and some place to identify. That’s what makes those little jabs that you give them hurt. If the whole thing is just disdainful, they will stop reading and write you off as arrogant. If they trust you then the slaps count, and only as hard as necessary to keep them reading more.
Judging, as I was, by these standards is why I said that I liked the early version of this much better. What I saw was roughly this (as far as I remember):
How did you feel…
when the darkness and doubt
fucked you insane?
A dark so bleak
short lived and welcoming
And how did you feel when your doubt told you
that everything would've been okay?
Did you complain?
Or did you shut it and write
until you found your way
into light.
Now those may not have been the exact words, but within a few minutes you started pumping it up and making it meaner and more extreme and beating up the reader. There was less chance for them to respond in the affirmative that they did know such a feeling because after a couple of edits the question kept getting more complicated and almost hostile.
Now I have to say that you have made it much better again since then it is more complex, less threatening, less over-the-top. You have put some good thought into this and I commend you for that. I gave you some hints in that direction the original night, but I promised you more in-depth words. I just haven’t gotten the chance until now. Again, sorry for all of the words. Take it for what it’s worth and hope you find something useful in it.
10th Aug 2013 5:58am
14th Aug 2013 3:11am
