deepundergroundpoetry.com
Sickness to Death
Anxiety penetrates my mind
like a tiger tooth through human flesh
whilst a deep depression darkens the shining sun
Rolling off of my sweat soaked sheets
my knees crackling as I stand
stomach curling as I weakly walk on tightened muscles
From a pocket in an old leather jacket
I grab my gear and a bag full of smack
Sitting at my desk with bones aching
I feel the misfiring of currents in my brain
I load the spoon with powder, soft and fine
then gag and vomit on the floor
Adding water to the spoon
I prepare to practice junkie chemistry
Spoon blackened by hot flame
as the contents boil into one
I draw the darkened liquid
into a fresh rig
My heart begins to race
as my biceps are strangled by a belt
The needle pierces my flesh
searching for a vein
I witness a sexual scene
as my blood rushes
into the narrow cylinder
mixing with my lover
I plunge into my waiting vein
warmness rushing up my arm
As the leather belt’s released
my opiate receptors flood with peace
I tranquilly nod off
with needle dangling from my arm
I fade into a fleeting state
then all I see is black.
like a tiger tooth through human flesh
whilst a deep depression darkens the shining sun
Rolling off of my sweat soaked sheets
my knees crackling as I stand
stomach curling as I weakly walk on tightened muscles
From a pocket in an old leather jacket
I grab my gear and a bag full of smack
Sitting at my desk with bones aching
I feel the misfiring of currents in my brain
I load the spoon with powder, soft and fine
then gag and vomit on the floor
Adding water to the spoon
I prepare to practice junkie chemistry
Spoon blackened by hot flame
as the contents boil into one
I draw the darkened liquid
into a fresh rig
My heart begins to race
as my biceps are strangled by a belt
The needle pierces my flesh
searching for a vein
I witness a sexual scene
as my blood rushes
into the narrow cylinder
mixing with my lover
I plunge into my waiting vein
warmness rushing up my arm
As the leather belt’s released
my opiate receptors flood with peace
I tranquilly nod off
with needle dangling from my arm
I fade into a fleeting state
then all I see is black.
Published 6th Jun 2013
| Edited 14th Jun 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 0
comments 10
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
6th Jun 2013 1:36am
Felt it Gemini....nice write
6th Jun 2013 1:57am
6th Jun 2013 6:29pm
The picture is so clear and so tense. Nothing romantic or fantastic, just NEED. Very well done. I love/hate this piece, and I think that's probably the way it should be.
14th Jun 2013 4:31am
9th Jun 2013 9:59pm
14th Jun 2013 4:35am
Planet Zeuronotinomo just outside the Milky Way perimeter. You should visit sometime. We have classes on capitalization, punctuation and how to not use double negatives. :)
Gemini
Gemini
Anonymous
12th Jun 2013 3:24am
The last line is perfect. After all of that powerful, and in one case amusing ("junkie chemistry"), imagery, that ending of blackness hammers home a brutal point. This poem is filled with a lot of great lines. Line 2 of stanza 1 ("a tiger tooth") is really evocative; it connects chemical cravings with violence to bleak effect. One small thing: in L6 of S5 there should be an "are" after "biceps". Thank you for the read, Mr. Gemini.
14th Jun 2013 4:38am
Good eye, Jackie Boy. Always appreciate you stopping by and giving your honest and helpful feedback, my friend.
Gemini
Gemini
Mr G
it is a very accurate running commentary of all the feelings involved, the gaging line is very conducive, as are the rest of them , but that stuck out.
I liked the tiger tooth simile too, I'd probably have used bone instead of flesh ..more of a crunch, but that's just me
look, I'll be honest, as good as it is, I think there are a couple of lines that take away from your voice:
whilst a deep depression darkens the *shining* sun
shining was the obvious word to use here, you don't need it at all. I think it makes the line less of a hardcore smack head voice and more hippie like
"stomach curling as I weakly walk on tightened muscles"
again, you're losing the voice, my suggestion would be to cut the 'as and put the words the right way around ..'walk weakly'
I say this only because, I think the voice is important and mostly here, your voice is quite concise and gritty which fits the content rather well, so words like 'whilst, and the couple of phrases that I highlighted, (for me anyway) kind of took away from that a little.
That said, I note that my esteemed poet friend above didn't pick up on that at all so maybe I'm wrong..
hat tip to ya man, shine on
it is a very accurate running commentary of all the feelings involved, the gaging line is very conducive, as are the rest of them , but that stuck out.
I liked the tiger tooth simile too, I'd probably have used bone instead of flesh ..more of a crunch, but that's just me
look, I'll be honest, as good as it is, I think there are a couple of lines that take away from your voice:
whilst a deep depression darkens the *shining* sun
shining was the obvious word to use here, you don't need it at all. I think it makes the line less of a hardcore smack head voice and more hippie like
"stomach curling as I weakly walk on tightened muscles"
again, you're losing the voice, my suggestion would be to cut the 'as and put the words the right way around ..'walk weakly'
I say this only because, I think the voice is important and mostly here, your voice is quite concise and gritty which fits the content rather well, so words like 'whilst, and the couple of phrases that I highlighted, (for me anyway) kind of took away from that a little.
That said, I note that my esteemed poet friend above didn't pick up on that at all so maybe I'm wrong..
hat tip to ya man, shine on
14th Jun 2013 11:06pm
Lep! That was a hell of a lot of great feedback that will be taken into consideration upon editing. I hate typing from my phone so that's all I have for now. Thanks for stopping by. Ypu're always welcome in my neighborhood.
Gemini
Gemini
