Daddy Issues

While lying in bed with another new lover
Who in the morning I won’t remember,
Why after asking her to choke me
Did she tell me I have issues with daddy?
If in the morning I’m quietly vanishing from the 4th bed
This week, containing the body of a beautiful woman
Who’s name has already become irrelevant to me,
Why is that the fault of my father?
When I moan after she scratched me ‘till I bled,
After she bit my neck like a vampire never
Intending to suck my blood or when I said,
“Hey baby, I’d like it if you pulled my hair a little bit harder.”
Why is it my daddy who’s at fault here?
How’d he cause my anger, my insecurities
Or my fear of the scale screaming 100 at me?
Why not pass the blame to who’s deserving?
Give the blame to a man who at only 7 years old
Taught me just how cruel the world could be.
If someone’s to blame for the nights I’ve cried while
Destroying the veins that kept me alive, it should be him.
But sometimes I wonder if we should convict
Anyone for a crime which I silenced?
Because maybe it’s me, who’s at fault for staying quiet?
Maybe if I’d gone to school the next day,
Told my 2nd grade math teacher about the
Man in the garage with the ginger hair
And the freckles I daydreamed of carving
Off his face with a switchblade, told her
He took my innocence away, maybe my home,
Maybe my home could have been a safe place
And he wouldn’t have taken so much from me,
Maybe the next time I drop ten pounds,
They won’t blame it on my daddy, it’s not his fault.
But it’s now been 12 years,
Since the last time that garage floor covered
My whole body in goose bumps and fear
And while I’m waiting for the right time
To ask my lover to put her hands around my throat,
I can’t help but wonder if she’ll blame my father
Or the monster I spent my childhood running from?
Sometimes I think of that little girl
The one he chased after I escaped,
After I got away, after I was long gone.
I want to tell her that I’m sorry,
I’m sorry for keeping it quiet for so many years
I’m sorry I didn’t cut off those greasy hands,
I’m sorry I was a coward, I was scared
For not saving her innocence when I had the chance
I’m sorry, I wish I could take my silence back.
I’m sorry, I wish I could have saved you
I wish I could have saved us both back then.