deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Slaves Story
(Caution this is fictional)
I stand alone in a dark room
No light, no sound
Nothing
(Creek)
I hear the sound of a door opening
I know all too well who it is
(Here he comes)
The rattling of the chain as it is dragged across the stairs
The rats scatter to their corners
He stands face to face
The stench of his breath as it hits my face
Then the whip strikes my back
The warm blood flows like a river
He leaves as I crawl to my corner and cry
I stand alone in a dark room
No light, no sound
Nothing
(Creek)
I hear the sound of a door opening
I know all too well who it is
(Here he comes)
The rattling of the chain as it is dragged across the stairs
The rats scatter to their corners
He stands face to face
The stench of his breath as it hits my face
Then the whip strikes my back
The warm blood flows like a river
He leaves as I crawl to my corner and cry
Published 31st May 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 5
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
1st Jun 2013 4:56am
Anonymous
2nd Jun 2013 2:45am
This poem contains a lot of sorrow. I really like it.
4th Jun 2013 3:44pm
Anonymous
4th Jun 2013 10:09pm
I don't quite understand.
I like the idea of it, but there's no description. Are you nude? Who is this man?
Those questions if answered could be crucial to the poem's impact.
I like the idea, but you could have executed it a little stronger.
I like the idea of it, but there's no description. Are you nude? Who is this man?
Those questions if answered could be crucial to the poem's impact.
I like the idea, but you could have executed it a little stronger.
Welcome, like you I'm learning and trying to grow ...
Some observations ...
Correction: A Slave's Story
Instead of (creek) to describe the sound of the stairs or door as he approaches - try playing with poetic devices like similes or metaphors to describe it ...
Wooden stairs creaking can sound like a strained violin under his weight - or the pleas of a starved kitten; all warning you (the slave) of his coming ...
Play around with it some more as Matt suggested to flush it out; but don't feel like you should tell the story in one shot - maybe you have a series here?
Some observations ...
Correction: A Slave's Story
Instead of (creek) to describe the sound of the stairs or door as he approaches - try playing with poetic devices like similes or metaphors to describe it ...
Wooden stairs creaking can sound like a strained violin under his weight - or the pleas of a starved kitten; all warning you (the slave) of his coming ...
Play around with it some more as Matt suggested to flush it out; but don't feel like you should tell the story in one shot - maybe you have a series here?
