deepundergroundpoetry.com
Intent
I'm paper wrapped around rocks, soaking in rain, baking in heat.
I'm shattered and splintered glass stuck in pink skin, broken memories.
I'm silence echoing into abyss where the dead hum along.
I'm violence in a church hiding the peace in my bible and choking on my roseary.
I'm red letters on knarled palms etched in steel paint.
I'm porcelian skin draped on wooden bones, unzipped.
I'm a dirty window nobody wants to break, unleash the demon trapped inside.
I'm a child in your mind, turning corners to fast, letting my blue cotton dress flail out from behind me in the wind, giggling, bouncing blonde curls, red eyes flashing, searching for ravens.
I'm the impulse you fight to the end.
I'm your end in written spells and letters a bloody incantation to hold you here.
I'm the love you hid from the one who needed it more than you.
I'm your lost dream manifesting in liklihood, drenched in brine, and dancing.
I'm your unpaid prostitute who doesn't linger for a tip.
I'm worst intentions and I love you.
I'm shattered and splintered glass stuck in pink skin, broken memories.
I'm silence echoing into abyss where the dead hum along.
I'm violence in a church hiding the peace in my bible and choking on my roseary.
I'm red letters on knarled palms etched in steel paint.
I'm porcelian skin draped on wooden bones, unzipped.
I'm a dirty window nobody wants to break, unleash the demon trapped inside.
I'm a child in your mind, turning corners to fast, letting my blue cotton dress flail out from behind me in the wind, giggling, bouncing blonde curls, red eyes flashing, searching for ravens.
I'm the impulse you fight to the end.
I'm your end in written spells and letters a bloody incantation to hold you here.
I'm the love you hid from the one who needed it more than you.
I'm your lost dream manifesting in liklihood, drenched in brine, and dancing.
I'm your unpaid prostitute who doesn't linger for a tip.
I'm worst intentions and I love you.
Published 4th Nov 2010
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The author encourages honest critique.
4th Nov 2010 11:48pm
This is a pretty nice idea, that you haven't polished enough yet. There are spelling mistakes, which distract, and some images which don't work. For example, I'm struggling to be afraid of a demon that is held back by a glass window. Also, the written spells line needs work, or I've missed something.
The second line is very good, and you should aim for more like that, where-as the first line contradicts itself, and/or messes up the image my brain tries to form...
Not taking the piss, as did enjoy it, but you need to work on it to take it from yeah-yeah to yeah-hell-yeah...make it POP baby!
:-)
The second line is very good, and you should aim for more like that, where-as the first line contradicts itself, and/or messes up the image my brain tries to form...
Not taking the piss, as did enjoy it, but you need to work on it to take it from yeah-yeah to yeah-hell-yeah...make it POP baby!
:-)
